Scarred Wings

I used to be the lonely one, left behind, the underdog that will not get attention even if I tried. I'd grown up adjusting to this. There was a period of time that I thought that this was the way to live, to close all windows and doors to my heart, makes no friends and of course, like all idiots I realized that it was a bad mindset far too late. I'd grown into that type of character, a lone wolf, an extroverted lone wolf, see the problem? I came to be a jackass. But that's not what this blog post is about, this blog post will serve me as a timeline of sorts, for me to look back my rear mirror and see how much I'd grown.

Well, that's the story of my past, after that, I'd spit venom on everyone I met, either intentionally or not. I'm amazed that two of my form 4-5(end of high school year periods) friends are well, still friends with me. Despite all that I'd done, and let's just say that I was on the giving side of bullying one of these said friends. I regret it now, I didn't really realize it was bully until this year or so. But oh well, what's done is done, I'll atone for all the things I'd done wrong to my family, friends and anyone else one way or another, but I digress. That's not the topic of this post.

Throughout my life, I'd been the well liked kid, the emo sore loser, the forgotten jackass, and then in form 6(Pre-university level) I was the enemy of my own class, as the assistance class representative. It was a giant step for me, to hold up a position that has any shed of responsibility. It wasn't that I was doing my job strictly, it was just that I didn't get along with them, couldn't fit in, and I responded by kicking and punching back, we spitted venom in each's eyes.

Now here I am, in the year 2013, studying in SEGi. Secretary of the Student Representative Council, and fitting in with the crowds. I'm glad I met all of you who I had met on my journey from Form 4 till now. I'm glad, that I stopped being an emo, stopped being a kid, stopped being a jackass. Perhaps being a jackass isn't entirely in my nature after all, I don't know, but I do know that I'm glad I have changed and that I can fit in well with the SRC, the Otakura group, that my friends from Form 4-5 and a few real friends from Form 6 did not give up on me.

Perhaps my wings are not broken entirely after all. Perhaps they are just scarred, and that the scars hurts a tad bit every time I try to fly. But I guess that's life, nobody lives without pain, it only proves that we're truly alive. All of us, fly or at least try to fly while feeling a bit of pain from each of our scars.

I'm a sinner

I suppose it's cowardly and selfish, to hope upon someone's death, but dare not take up the burden of shouldering the sin or staining your hands. I still remember one time someone got hospitalized on the same day that I was having a majorly bad day and was cursing through my whole gaming session, I had to pause in the middle of the game to visit the hospital.  Fine, I'll stop cursing at people (especially at hazardous drivers), or at least I won't curse them to get killed, maybe just ass-raped by a cactus. Maybe. No, I'll stop cursing and hoping that they will die, maybe just rant about how terrible they are and how stupid they are. I'll take matters into my own hands, I'll just have to be a better gamer, a better driver, a better student and all that.

People always seem to change after they have lost something important huh? Oh, why do we all always learn it the hard way?

Why Am I Learning Mandarin?

I'd been getting questions from friends and family members about why I'd been learning mandarin hahahaha, some believed me that I wanted to learn, some knew that I didn't know how to speak or listen to mandarin, some don't believe me at all when I say I don't speak mandarin, thinking that I was lying or just scared of being told my mandarin is bad. Oh well, the reasons and their beliefs differs, and no one's at fault here.

Here we go, the reason why I am so motivated to learn mandarin is actually a bit sad, heh, but a motivational force nevertheless. One of my friend, a malay guy sang Qing Fei De Yi during the Installation Day of SEGi University this year, and he nailed it perfectly. I gotta say, I was impressed, and jealous. That a non-chinese could talk...or, well, sing better than me in mandarin.

Of course, I'm jealous of some other too who have great mastery of english, mandarin/cantonese and malay, oh I'm so so so jealous of them. But honestly speaking, as much as I'm egotistic and all, this is not the main reason. My main reason for me to push myself hard enough to start learning is because everyone sung along to my friend's Qing Fei De Yi that night, and I was the only chinese guy who didn't understand or wasn't able to sing along. It felt cold, it felt lonely. I'm tired of being left behind, and I'm tired of being the odd one out. That's why...I'll make this promise to myself, I'll make sure I can speak and listen to mandarin by the time I graduate from SEGi University with my degree.

The Sun

I'd always known it deep down in my heart that I should help people. It's the right thing to do, but the other side of my grew stronger and stronger, and I'd abandoned these feelings of mine in a lonely corner. I ended up with the mindset that friends are just stepping stones, as they will use you as stepping stones too, that nobody will care for you, so why care for others? The world is cruel, so why not be cruel too? I suppose that some found their reasons earlier than me.

Through these 3-4 years, Form 6, holidays, meeting up with friends I'd not met up with in a long time and going to University(it seemed so far away at first), I'd helped people along the way, although I wasn't much help at all, but the little things are what matters the most I guess? Cause, watching them smile, and then thank me for helping really felt great. Not in the way that I am being praised or recognized for something, but because that I managed to help them out. These sort of feelings were quite foreign to me at first, it felt really warm and I was disoriented with it. Not sure how to respond, as like how I am also a failure at responding to kindness and love from friends. But this just provides me an upperhand against that darker side of me, I'm more willing to help people out now. It use to be...

"what's in it for me?"

"Why would I help you?"

"Why can't you do it alone?"

"As if you'll help me back when I need it."

...and I never understood altruists, but now I think they are amazing. Sacrificing their own happiness so everyone else could smile. Deep down, maybe I am one too, to a certain extend. I don't like the top dogs, and somehow, I was one of the top dogs for the Student Representative Council get-together, just because we were from the University titled campus. I didn't like that feeling, I know how they would feel from seeing us having things that they don't have, seeing us going crazy and laughing and all that. It felt a bit disgusting now that I think about it, I can't help it though, it's how a person who's used to being the underdog every time feels like, the last to get picked, the last to get noticed.

This just drives me more into wanting to help people out, especially the forgotten, the hated, the abandoned, the sad people, the underdogs, the ones bullied and all outcasts. If no one would stand up for them, I'll stand up first for them. And if there's no one to protect the idiotic altruists then I'll do it. I want to be able to help people, to touch their hearts like some had touched mine.

Passion In Ruins

Never let your seriousness for perfectionism get the best of you. Don't try to improve because you just want to reach the top, cause in that case, you'll just burn out and I speak from experience.

I used to make tags/signatures on forums. Hella fun they were, totally fun. I remembered we had teams and and competitions for the best signatures each week. I wanted to win one so bad, won one in the end, and then I just craved for moooaar. Well, I kinda crashed and burned, stopped tagging, studied in pre-university levels, form 6 among other things.

Now? My passion's dead, my passion's in ruins. My craving for number 1, my need for it to be amazing regardless of my joy or sorrow had extinguished the fire. It sure hurts, knowing that you're letting what you used to love just slip away like that, letting it die and be forgotten by the very person who created them. I kinda regret deleting all the tags I'd made before. I still remember a few and I think it will put a smile on my face if I could only see it.

I may not even know you, but I pity you, it takes one to know one. Your passion isn't worth being sacrificed to achieve perfection, and burning bridges is just stupid majority of the time. I'd took the hard way through to learn, and it hurts me to see others going through the same shit. If I have the ability to stop them, give em a good beating to the ground to wake them up, I would, but I would never be able to. I'm no altruist. I'm not strong enough to protect people's smile by sacrificing my own.

But maybe this is why, that I sympathize, shield, understand, try to reach out and defend at all cost people who are ostracized, forgotten, hated, and even though who were asking to be kicked out of a group.

I still am bad at being a good person, a good friend, or to ever become boyfriend/husband material, but hey, I guess at least I can still reach out my hands to people like these, those who I understands.

Photos

Remember, Whatever you'd got, it ain't enough if you don't got love.
Remember, being number 1 doesn't matter.
Remember, how it felt to be left behind, to be alone so don't ostracize others.
Remember, power without the ability to help others is almost meaningless.
Remember, be yourself, but don't let your darker side get a hold of you.
Remember, pride, ignorance and arrogance can do you in.
Remember, dream on but don't just dream, make it happen.
Remember, the joy and smiles of people who you'd helped.
Remember, never burn bridges, and bridges can be repaired.
Remember, karma's a bitch.
Remember, crying just shows that you're strong enough to show your vulnerabilities.
Remember, stand up for what's right.

Judgement

This post would had been posted in my private blog if I was to type this a year back, most likely anyways. But as if anyone was reading my private blog, either due to lack of permission(it's set to private after all) or by a lack of interest(which with my personality, nobody would had been interested unless they were some of my very closest friends). Yesterday night I'd managed to speak up for once, on a certain very important topic that I would had never talked about. It's not common for me to take off the mask, I suppose, and as a consequences it has stuck onto my skin.

God, I can keep going with those brackets. First and foremost, I'll like to apologize for yet another long blog posts that I'll be pestering you guys to read, perhaps almost addressing most of you guys I'd asked to read personally, therefore I will refer to everyone with code names. Also, Dr.Altruist I bet you'll be bored at the middle due to the usage of very japanese based themes, but I have no idea how else to convert those words(just to make the post a tad bit shorter.).

I'd took a little step tonight, it doesn't mean anything at all to anyone, of course. Not even to some of my best friends, who both understand me, and don't understand me much. What do you think about it, Dr.Altruist?

My ego issue is definitely not something new, everyone who I call a friend knows about it, close or not. Okay, maybe not the "not-close-at-all-hi-bye-friends." But that's exactly the issue isn't it? I'd built up such a wall here myself. I'm a ball of problems mushed together. I used to be pessimistic and cynical, I used to think Sasuke was cool. For those who don't know, Sasuke is one of those "cool" characters in one of those japanese comics that was super popular at the time of my growing up. Let's just say he's anti-social, a lone-wolf, and the strongest fighter out of the three of the main protagonists at that time. I'd always digged characters like that back then. The cool anti social guy. Boy, was I stupid, I wished I was like em for whatever reasons. Point is, I started losing hope in humanity, in society, in god, in everything. It's why I'm an Atheist now, and to be completely honest I wish I still have capability to believe in 'God.' Now I just speculate at best that there is a higher power.

How I started losing hope? Well, Other than Alchemist, Blade and Dr.Altruist, I don't think anyone else knows. I'd never talked about it. My parents are divorced since I was a teenager...or younger, I don't remember that much, and how and why, how do I feel and what's my personal opinion on the matter? That's perhaps a tale for another time guys, and perhaps a bit too personal to put on digital diaries. My dad's remarried, and I have two mothers, things are in a stable happy status now. And I'm glad that almost everyone are finding peace again. But I suspect this is part of the root cause of what I'd became, another reason is I suppose I'd watched too much TV, being influenced, and naively and innocently comparing between cartoon worlds and reality. Nobody is going to help you without benefits, the world is cold. But I suppose this is what happens to an unsupervised kid. Now you guys can pick up some pieces here and there and figure out what else happened and how I felt about certain things, I wonder if it's enough though. I never really had chances to voice out when I was a kid, and I was just another teenage nerd that stays in his room most of the time everyday interacting with people whose faces I would never know how they look like. That's why I am obsessed with power I suppose.  I wanted to stop being left behind, I realized that I can't depend on others, that I should had learned to stand on my own, not because it's the 'right thing to do' but because it's my own responsibility to stand up, nobody should help me to stand. Even babies want to stand on their own when they know the time is right.

Truth is, I'd never really been the kind to let my feelings show, you can say I'm a very tsundere guy. A tsundere is a japanese term, it basically means a person who doesn't show his or her true feelings easily at first, or otherwise, there's alterations and varying scales, but that's for the japanese scene people to know and understand(I don't really get the rest of the definition myself.) Here's a linkie for those who are interested

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Tsundere

But that's what I meant by "building a wall, in my emo-phrase days, I'd managed to built a wall between myself and people, I'd actually convinced myself that having less friends is better so there's less goodbyes, and nobody would ever need to be sad for the death of a pathetic, useless, and incompetent trash loser like me. I'd developed an inferiority complex, and to make up for it after I went out of my emo-phrase, and into perhaps my rage-phrase, I developed a superiority complex to fill the gaps. That's how I ended up bullying Alchemist, I suppose, and never liked it when he gets the better of me in games or whatever else, I wanted to always be ahead of him. I wish I can say I fall into the "jerk with a heart of gold" category of those 'tsun' people, but I doubt my own heart's power to love nowadays.

Good thing is, I know this ego of mine, the mess that I am, this broken toy, could be fixed, and being the best is not the most important thing in the world. To quote Bon Jovi

"What do you got when you ain't got love? Whatever you'd got, it just ain't enough."

I'd came to grips with that before, but I'd lost sight of it again I suppose. I burned many bridges back in Form 6, regrettably I even tried burning my bridges with Alchemist and Blade, one of my biggest mistakes ever, and guys, I'd never really apologized to you guys on this, so here's an formal public apology to make up for it. I'm sorry, but I suppose now I'd learned it the hard way that burning bridges is most of a time a bad idea. I made less than 10 friends in the whole 1 and a half year of Form 6 after all.

That aside, Alchemist and Blade, we sure have a long way to go if we are calling ourselves close friends or best friends, heh, after looking at two guys in my university club, Dragon and Old Man makes a better couple of best friends than we do, and we even had a longer head start.

This section is dedicated to the underdogs gang, Though I don't really have anything negative to say. Mostly because we never really met much until very recently and I was not around for the last ordeal we had. I know the sharing session was already over, but bear with me please, I'm a tad bit reluctant to do feeling sharing sessions due to my established nature. :/

Dragon, you're a fun guy, I definitely love your voice impersonations. I like how level-headed you are when you're not in the car. I actually get how you feel Dragon, about Old Man. While my closest friends are not the ones I have envied and was jealous over, I had classmates like that, one of them was even on a mary sue level. Let's say the mary sue guy motivated me to get out of my emo-phrase and then in form 4 I'd never talked to him again, sadly. We just drifted away and I'd tried to become like him so much that my superiority complex even worsen, and my ego grew bigger than it originally was to begin with. I'm not denying that I don't have a bit of an ego issue to begin with though. So yeah, it's good you think of him as a rival rather than someone you want to become like, and then lose yourself in the process. Be who you are, because you won't know when will someone look up to you. Don't be like me, I used to have one guy who looked up to me, he was naive, and he's dramaful, almost more than we-know-who-with-the-yes-and-noes, I don't know if he truly looked up to me, but yeah, there it was, and it just felt terrible having someone looking up to someone like me, trash like me who's living in someone elses shadow, and being absorbed by self hate, pride and among other stuff, the list could go on.

Old Man, you talk like an old man sometimes with that on and off accent you have hahaha! But you're an awesome guy. Eh, I guess that's it. Beside club stuffs, games and animes, we haven't really gotten to know each other yet.

The Fool, I agree, you worry a bit too much sometimes. But I doubt it's a bad thing, then again, I can't say I'm a good judge of things as of now, since we'd never been in a serious pinch where everyone would had shown their truer sides, well, perhaps you guys already experienced it during my absence. But it's why I can't make accurate and fair judgement on you guys yet. Perhaps I'm trying to avoid being prejudice or bias since I'd had enough of that. I was surprised to hear that you said that you felt that I would somehow break one day if nobody kept an eye on me, and I suppose that's partly true. I admit I'm the type that may stray from his path when nobody's watching over me, what a joke I am, a very social-based extrovert wanting to be an anti-social lone wolf, bah.

To be honest, even I had been feeling like I'd get left out of the club or something, like when you guys go on about WS, some new animes and stuff, I just stay quiet and listen, sometimes I feel like I'm the weaker link, like if I was removed from the scene, it won't had matter because I didn't really matter. Perhaps I'm being paranoia? I don't know. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it would had been better if I was born a girl with this personality, maybe more people would had cared and I would had a reason to be 'insecure' but again, bah.