Judgement

This post would had been posted in my private blog if I was to type this a year back, most likely anyways. But as if anyone was reading my private blog, either due to lack of permission(it's set to private after all) or by a lack of interest(which with my personality, nobody would had been interested unless they were some of my very closest friends). Yesterday night I'd managed to speak up for once, on a certain very important topic that I would had never talked about. It's not common for me to take off the mask, I suppose, and as a consequences it has stuck onto my skin.

God, I can keep going with those brackets. First and foremost, I'll like to apologize for yet another long blog posts that I'll be pestering you guys to read, perhaps almost addressing most of you guys I'd asked to read personally, therefore I will refer to everyone with code names. Also, Dr.Altruist I bet you'll be bored at the middle due to the usage of very japanese based themes, but I have no idea how else to convert those words(just to make the post a tad bit shorter.).

I'd took a little step tonight, it doesn't mean anything at all to anyone, of course. Not even to some of my best friends, who both understand me, and don't understand me much. What do you think about it, Dr.Altruist?

My ego issue is definitely not something new, everyone who I call a friend knows about it, close or not. Okay, maybe not the "not-close-at-all-hi-bye-friends." But that's exactly the issue isn't it? I'd built up such a wall here myself. I'm a ball of problems mushed together. I used to be pessimistic and cynical, I used to think Sasuke was cool. For those who don't know, Sasuke is one of those "cool" characters in one of those japanese comics that was super popular at the time of my growing up. Let's just say he's anti-social, a lone-wolf, and the strongest fighter out of the three of the main protagonists at that time. I'd always digged characters like that back then. The cool anti social guy. Boy, was I stupid, I wished I was like em for whatever reasons. Point is, I started losing hope in humanity, in society, in god, in everything. It's why I'm an Atheist now, and to be completely honest I wish I still have capability to believe in 'God.' Now I just speculate at best that there is a higher power.

How I started losing hope? Well, Other than Alchemist, Blade and Dr.Altruist, I don't think anyone else knows. I'd never talked about it. My parents are divorced since I was a teenager...or younger, I don't remember that much, and how and why, how do I feel and what's my personal opinion on the matter? That's perhaps a tale for another time guys, and perhaps a bit too personal to put on digital diaries. My dad's remarried, and I have two mothers, things are in a stable happy status now. And I'm glad that almost everyone are finding peace again. But I suspect this is part of the root cause of what I'd became, another reason is I suppose I'd watched too much TV, being influenced, and naively and innocently comparing between cartoon worlds and reality. Nobody is going to help you without benefits, the world is cold. But I suppose this is what happens to an unsupervised kid. Now you guys can pick up some pieces here and there and figure out what else happened and how I felt about certain things, I wonder if it's enough though. I never really had chances to voice out when I was a kid, and I was just another teenage nerd that stays in his room most of the time everyday interacting with people whose faces I would never know how they look like. That's why I am obsessed with power I suppose.  I wanted to stop being left behind, I realized that I can't depend on others, that I should had learned to stand on my own, not because it's the 'right thing to do' but because it's my own responsibility to stand up, nobody should help me to stand. Even babies want to stand on their own when they know the time is right.

Truth is, I'd never really been the kind to let my feelings show, you can say I'm a very tsundere guy. A tsundere is a japanese term, it basically means a person who doesn't show his or her true feelings easily at first, or otherwise, there's alterations and varying scales, but that's for the japanese scene people to know and understand(I don't really get the rest of the definition myself.) Here's a linkie for those who are interested

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Tsundere

But that's what I meant by "building a wall, in my emo-phrase days, I'd managed to built a wall between myself and people, I'd actually convinced myself that having less friends is better so there's less goodbyes, and nobody would ever need to be sad for the death of a pathetic, useless, and incompetent trash loser like me. I'd developed an inferiority complex, and to make up for it after I went out of my emo-phrase, and into perhaps my rage-phrase, I developed a superiority complex to fill the gaps. That's how I ended up bullying Alchemist, I suppose, and never liked it when he gets the better of me in games or whatever else, I wanted to always be ahead of him. I wish I can say I fall into the "jerk with a heart of gold" category of those 'tsun' people, but I doubt my own heart's power to love nowadays.

Good thing is, I know this ego of mine, the mess that I am, this broken toy, could be fixed, and being the best is not the most important thing in the world. To quote Bon Jovi

"What do you got when you ain't got love? Whatever you'd got, it just ain't enough."

I'd came to grips with that before, but I'd lost sight of it again I suppose. I burned many bridges back in Form 6, regrettably I even tried burning my bridges with Alchemist and Blade, one of my biggest mistakes ever, and guys, I'd never really apologized to you guys on this, so here's an formal public apology to make up for it. I'm sorry, but I suppose now I'd learned it the hard way that burning bridges is most of a time a bad idea. I made less than 10 friends in the whole 1 and a half year of Form 6 after all.

That aside, Alchemist and Blade, we sure have a long way to go if we are calling ourselves close friends or best friends, heh, after looking at two guys in my university club, Dragon and Old Man makes a better couple of best friends than we do, and we even had a longer head start.

This section is dedicated to the underdogs gang, Though I don't really have anything negative to say. Mostly because we never really met much until very recently and I was not around for the last ordeal we had. I know the sharing session was already over, but bear with me please, I'm a tad bit reluctant to do feeling sharing sessions due to my established nature. :/

Dragon, you're a fun guy, I definitely love your voice impersonations. I like how level-headed you are when you're not in the car. I actually get how you feel Dragon, about Old Man. While my closest friends are not the ones I have envied and was jealous over, I had classmates like that, one of them was even on a mary sue level. Let's say the mary sue guy motivated me to get out of my emo-phrase and then in form 4 I'd never talked to him again, sadly. We just drifted away and I'd tried to become like him so much that my superiority complex even worsen, and my ego grew bigger than it originally was to begin with. I'm not denying that I don't have a bit of an ego issue to begin with though. So yeah, it's good you think of him as a rival rather than someone you want to become like, and then lose yourself in the process. Be who you are, because you won't know when will someone look up to you. Don't be like me, I used to have one guy who looked up to me, he was naive, and he's dramaful, almost more than we-know-who-with-the-yes-and-noes, I don't know if he truly looked up to me, but yeah, there it was, and it just felt terrible having someone looking up to someone like me, trash like me who's living in someone elses shadow, and being absorbed by self hate, pride and among other stuff, the list could go on.

Old Man, you talk like an old man sometimes with that on and off accent you have hahaha! But you're an awesome guy. Eh, I guess that's it. Beside club stuffs, games and animes, we haven't really gotten to know each other yet.

The Fool, I agree, you worry a bit too much sometimes. But I doubt it's a bad thing, then again, I can't say I'm a good judge of things as of now, since we'd never been in a serious pinch where everyone would had shown their truer sides, well, perhaps you guys already experienced it during my absence. But it's why I can't make accurate and fair judgement on you guys yet. Perhaps I'm trying to avoid being prejudice or bias since I'd had enough of that. I was surprised to hear that you said that you felt that I would somehow break one day if nobody kept an eye on me, and I suppose that's partly true. I admit I'm the type that may stray from his path when nobody's watching over me, what a joke I am, a very social-based extrovert wanting to be an anti-social lone wolf, bah.

To be honest, even I had been feeling like I'd get left out of the club or something, like when you guys go on about WS, some new animes and stuff, I just stay quiet and listen, sometimes I feel like I'm the weaker link, like if I was removed from the scene, it won't had matter because I didn't really matter. Perhaps I'm being paranoia? I don't know. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it would had been better if I was born a girl with this personality, maybe more people would had cared and I would had a reason to be 'insecure' but again, bah.