The Sun

I'd always known it deep down in my heart that I should help people. It's the right thing to do, but the other side of my grew stronger and stronger, and I'd abandoned these feelings of mine in a lonely corner. I ended up with the mindset that friends are just stepping stones, as they will use you as stepping stones too, that nobody will care for you, so why care for others? The world is cruel, so why not be cruel too? I suppose that some found their reasons earlier than me.

Through these 3-4 years, Form 6, holidays, meeting up with friends I'd not met up with in a long time and going to University(it seemed so far away at first), I'd helped people along the way, although I wasn't much help at all, but the little things are what matters the most I guess? Cause, watching them smile, and then thank me for helping really felt great. Not in the way that I am being praised or recognized for something, but because that I managed to help them out. These sort of feelings were quite foreign to me at first, it felt really warm and I was disoriented with it. Not sure how to respond, as like how I am also a failure at responding to kindness and love from friends. But this just provides me an upperhand against that darker side of me, I'm more willing to help people out now. It use to be...

"what's in it for me?"

"Why would I help you?"

"Why can't you do it alone?"

"As if you'll help me back when I need it."

...and I never understood altruists, but now I think they are amazing. Sacrificing their own happiness so everyone else could smile. Deep down, maybe I am one too, to a certain extend. I don't like the top dogs, and somehow, I was one of the top dogs for the Student Representative Council get-together, just because we were from the University titled campus. I didn't like that feeling, I know how they would feel from seeing us having things that they don't have, seeing us going crazy and laughing and all that. It felt a bit disgusting now that I think about it, I can't help it though, it's how a person who's used to being the underdog every time feels like, the last to get picked, the last to get noticed.

This just drives me more into wanting to help people out, especially the forgotten, the hated, the abandoned, the sad people, the underdogs, the ones bullied and all outcasts. If no one would stand up for them, I'll stand up first for them. And if there's no one to protect the idiotic altruists then I'll do it. I want to be able to help people, to touch their hearts like some had touched mine.