Someone today in class asked me "Would this feed you?" while I was drawing, coincidentally, episode 8 of Garo, which I also watched today was talking about "my reason for picking up a pen."
Well, to be perfectly honest and frank, no. Not really. It probably won't be able to fit me. The things that i draw, my skills, my passion. It measures to nothing in this business world, where money matters more than anything else. More than love, more than passion, dreams, ambitions, friendship, relationships and humanity apparently. Futile to deny that.
It may suck, our future may never be certain, we need to worry if we can land jobs or not when we graduate from studies, worry if our skills can carry us far or not, and if it can, how far can it go? We want to be famous don't we? We want to earn money, be successful both as an artist of any kind, be it to be a video director, advertisement, a painter, an actor, or even a dancer, and earn money as well. Yeah, it may very well suck. To be people like us who prefer to chase dreams, risk life, exchange a stable office job for an uncertain line of work where you might not succeed. But we're born like that unfortunately.
You know what? All that's fine, even if I can't feed myself, or my family. I can't deny my dreams and wishes. I want to be famous, I want the fame and wealth. I want to let the world know me. Yeah, being a celebrity. I'll like that. Do I even remember my reason for picking up a pen though? No. I don't. At least not anymore.
Do I love it? Yes, I assume I do. Ever since a child, I loved drawings, admired complex drawings, though I'm not so expressive myself. Shit happens, that's life. I'd once decided to stop dreaming. God was I freaking miserable. Nah, I don't want to live a life I do not want, I'm an idealist, born this way, fuck it! What am I doing here in Form 6? Seni Visuals. Anderson, St.Michael, FUCK! Perhaps I should had went to The One Academy or something instead, but oh well. I'll picked form 6, out of my own volition. I'm having a bit of a "what if" and "if only" moment here, but still. Damn. It'll be pretty hard for me to catch up in art universities when I do get there. Worse yet I'll have to apply for colleges next year. One year wasted. I want to be famous, known to the world and successful as fast as possible. I wish I have a great singing voice and connections to famous people. =/
Hell, our dreams are bullshit to some people. They don't see the value in it, it's but a waste of time and effort to them, it can be put to better use to produce something like a new project for the company or homework, hell.
But it's as if I can pretend I didn't pick up a pen rather than a briefcase anyways. So there you have it. Regardless of whether I can feed myself or not, if my future's certain or not. I'm risking it, I'll gamble on this path and the first step to take is by the end of this year, decide on what courses I plan to be doing. Animations? illustrations and comics? Acting? Dancing?(nah) Singing?(nah.) graphic designs? multimedia design? I need some inspiration. True I need to give my ALL in form 6. BUT! I cannot afford to disconnect myself from the industry of arts anymore! I feel so disconnected now! I don't know the latest trends, I don't even remember how to be creative anymore.
It's time for me to remember why did I pick up a pencil in the first place.
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