Scarred Wings

I used to be the lonely one, left behind, the underdog that will not get attention even if I tried. I'd grown up adjusting to this. There was a period of time that I thought that this was the way to live, to close all windows and doors to my heart, makes no friends and of course, like all idiots I realized that it was a bad mindset far too late. I'd grown into that type of character, a lone wolf, an extroverted lone wolf, see the problem? I came to be a jackass. But that's not what this blog post is about, this blog post will serve me as a timeline of sorts, for me to look back my rear mirror and see how much I'd grown.

Well, that's the story of my past, after that, I'd spit venom on everyone I met, either intentionally or not. I'm amazed that two of my form 4-5(end of high school year periods) friends are well, still friends with me. Despite all that I'd done, and let's just say that I was on the giving side of bullying one of these said friends. I regret it now, I didn't really realize it was bully until this year or so. But oh well, what's done is done, I'll atone for all the things I'd done wrong to my family, friends and anyone else one way or another, but I digress. That's not the topic of this post.

Throughout my life, I'd been the well liked kid, the emo sore loser, the forgotten jackass, and then in form 6(Pre-university level) I was the enemy of my own class, as the assistance class representative. It was a giant step for me, to hold up a position that has any shed of responsibility. It wasn't that I was doing my job strictly, it was just that I didn't get along with them, couldn't fit in, and I responded by kicking and punching back, we spitted venom in each's eyes.

Now here I am, in the year 2013, studying in SEGi. Secretary of the Student Representative Council, and fitting in with the crowds. I'm glad I met all of you who I had met on my journey from Form 4 till now. I'm glad, that I stopped being an emo, stopped being a kid, stopped being a jackass. Perhaps being a jackass isn't entirely in my nature after all, I don't know, but I do know that I'm glad I have changed and that I can fit in well with the SRC, the Otakura group, that my friends from Form 4-5 and a few real friends from Form 6 did not give up on me.

Perhaps my wings are not broken entirely after all. Perhaps they are just scarred, and that the scars hurts a tad bit every time I try to fly. But I guess that's life, nobody lives without pain, it only proves that we're truly alive. All of us, fly or at least try to fly while feeling a bit of pain from each of our scars.

I'm a sinner

I suppose it's cowardly and selfish, to hope upon someone's death, but dare not take up the burden of shouldering the sin or staining your hands. I still remember one time someone got hospitalized on the same day that I was having a majorly bad day and was cursing through my whole gaming session, I had to pause in the middle of the game to visit the hospital.  Fine, I'll stop cursing at people (especially at hazardous drivers), or at least I won't curse them to get killed, maybe just ass-raped by a cactus. Maybe. No, I'll stop cursing and hoping that they will die, maybe just rant about how terrible they are and how stupid they are. I'll take matters into my own hands, I'll just have to be a better gamer, a better driver, a better student and all that.

People always seem to change after they have lost something important huh? Oh, why do we all always learn it the hard way?

Why Am I Learning Mandarin?

I'd been getting questions from friends and family members about why I'd been learning mandarin hahahaha, some believed me that I wanted to learn, some knew that I didn't know how to speak or listen to mandarin, some don't believe me at all when I say I don't speak mandarin, thinking that I was lying or just scared of being told my mandarin is bad. Oh well, the reasons and their beliefs differs, and no one's at fault here.

Here we go, the reason why I am so motivated to learn mandarin is actually a bit sad, heh, but a motivational force nevertheless. One of my friend, a malay guy sang Qing Fei De Yi during the Installation Day of SEGi University this year, and he nailed it perfectly. I gotta say, I was impressed, and jealous. That a non-chinese could talk...or, well, sing better than me in mandarin.

Of course, I'm jealous of some other too who have great mastery of english, mandarin/cantonese and malay, oh I'm so so so jealous of them. But honestly speaking, as much as I'm egotistic and all, this is not the main reason. My main reason for me to push myself hard enough to start learning is because everyone sung along to my friend's Qing Fei De Yi that night, and I was the only chinese guy who didn't understand or wasn't able to sing along. It felt cold, it felt lonely. I'm tired of being left behind, and I'm tired of being the odd one out. That's why...I'll make this promise to myself, I'll make sure I can speak and listen to mandarin by the time I graduate from SEGi University with my degree.

The Sun

I'd always known it deep down in my heart that I should help people. It's the right thing to do, but the other side of my grew stronger and stronger, and I'd abandoned these feelings of mine in a lonely corner. I ended up with the mindset that friends are just stepping stones, as they will use you as stepping stones too, that nobody will care for you, so why care for others? The world is cruel, so why not be cruel too? I suppose that some found their reasons earlier than me.

Through these 3-4 years, Form 6, holidays, meeting up with friends I'd not met up with in a long time and going to University(it seemed so far away at first), I'd helped people along the way, although I wasn't much help at all, but the little things are what matters the most I guess? Cause, watching them smile, and then thank me for helping really felt great. Not in the way that I am being praised or recognized for something, but because that I managed to help them out. These sort of feelings were quite foreign to me at first, it felt really warm and I was disoriented with it. Not sure how to respond, as like how I am also a failure at responding to kindness and love from friends. But this just provides me an upperhand against that darker side of me, I'm more willing to help people out now. It use to be...

"what's in it for me?"

"Why would I help you?"

"Why can't you do it alone?"

"As if you'll help me back when I need it."

...and I never understood altruists, but now I think they are amazing. Sacrificing their own happiness so everyone else could smile. Deep down, maybe I am one too, to a certain extend. I don't like the top dogs, and somehow, I was one of the top dogs for the Student Representative Council get-together, just because we were from the University titled campus. I didn't like that feeling, I know how they would feel from seeing us having things that they don't have, seeing us going crazy and laughing and all that. It felt a bit disgusting now that I think about it, I can't help it though, it's how a person who's used to being the underdog every time feels like, the last to get picked, the last to get noticed.

This just drives me more into wanting to help people out, especially the forgotten, the hated, the abandoned, the sad people, the underdogs, the ones bullied and all outcasts. If no one would stand up for them, I'll stand up first for them. And if there's no one to protect the idiotic altruists then I'll do it. I want to be able to help people, to touch their hearts like some had touched mine.

Passion In Ruins

Never let your seriousness for perfectionism get the best of you. Don't try to improve because you just want to reach the top, cause in that case, you'll just burn out and I speak from experience.

I used to make tags/signatures on forums. Hella fun they were, totally fun. I remembered we had teams and and competitions for the best signatures each week. I wanted to win one so bad, won one in the end, and then I just craved for moooaar. Well, I kinda crashed and burned, stopped tagging, studied in pre-university levels, form 6 among other things.

Now? My passion's dead, my passion's in ruins. My craving for number 1, my need for it to be amazing regardless of my joy or sorrow had extinguished the fire. It sure hurts, knowing that you're letting what you used to love just slip away like that, letting it die and be forgotten by the very person who created them. I kinda regret deleting all the tags I'd made before. I still remember a few and I think it will put a smile on my face if I could only see it.

I may not even know you, but I pity you, it takes one to know one. Your passion isn't worth being sacrificed to achieve perfection, and burning bridges is just stupid majority of the time. I'd took the hard way through to learn, and it hurts me to see others going through the same shit. If I have the ability to stop them, give em a good beating to the ground to wake them up, I would, but I would never be able to. I'm no altruist. I'm not strong enough to protect people's smile by sacrificing my own.

But maybe this is why, that I sympathize, shield, understand, try to reach out and defend at all cost people who are ostracized, forgotten, hated, and even though who were asking to be kicked out of a group.

I still am bad at being a good person, a good friend, or to ever become boyfriend/husband material, but hey, I guess at least I can still reach out my hands to people like these, those who I understands.