House.

I can't help but to do some self-reflecting upon watching House, most of the time anyways.

Sometimes it just makes me feel all terrible deep inside. Perhaps I associate myself with House, if I went to the science stream, if I wanted to be a doctor instead of doing anything art, been the same person as I was. I wonder would I be almost the same as House? If, I was a genius of course, which I'm not, wish I was.

Cynical, apathetic, manipulative, moody. Yeah, sure seem a bit like how I was, and perhaps still am. House seems just a bit too familiar. Perhaps it's a good thing, that I am not happy about such a thing. I'll probably be thinking "Ah, how similar am I to him? I sure am boss." or something like that 3 years back. I'd never been a good son, never been a good friend and never been a good brother.

Perhaps this could be the reasons why I tend to be sidelined, outcasted and or not fit in at all. I basically grew up on the internet, rather than playing soccer with friends or catching a new popular movie. I'd grown apathetic and sadistic. Perhaps I'd been too far away from humans in real life. I'm all harden, all broken. It makes me wonder, how things could had went if I didn't grew up on the internet. If I didn't visited the forums I did, if I didn't take part in discussions on those forums like I did before, if I never found online gaming interesting. But such things are what makes me who I am today, today, I'm a guy sitting in his room after midnight listening to sad songs. For better or for worse I guess.

I hate myself, sometimes, lots of time 3 years ago, though even then my inflated ego existed, near narcissism, how scary. I'm prideful, I'm egotistic, I  never wanted to show my feelings, I repress myself and I thought the meaning of strong was to be calm at all times and have no fret. I'm an idiot, wish I wasn't, and the japanese says that idiots don't catch colds, so why am I catching colds?

Last year, things happened, and I'd sworn to change, bit by bit, steps by step, baby steps. I do think I'd changed, a bit. But I doubt that it's any good so far, I'm still near to where I used to be. Maybe I should just jump back into this dark pit that I wanted to come out of, am I giving up? Do I want to give up? Am I going back on my words and a person who I'd promised to?