Jigoku.

It's hard to hate. You end up being consumed by it, dwell into it, you become vengeful, and it brings you down. 

There's a show I once watched about a Hell Girl that has a hotline to hell. On the internet there is a website that can only be accessed at th stroke of midnight and provided you have enough hatred within your heart. If you type in the name of the person you hate on the website, the Hell Girl will meet you and deliver you a straw figurine with a red string tied on it's neck. When the person untie that red string, the Hell Girl will proceed to sending the person to hell. Of course, nothing is ever free in this world. By cursing that person and delivering him or her to hell, two graves shall be dug. Once the contract is fulfilled you will be embedded a tattoo near your chest, and you too shall go to hell when you die. 

I'd been increasingly hostile towards some people. And perhaps what one of my friend said was true, perhaps I was thinking a bit too much and a bit too sensitive about it. Perhaps I came with the intention and ideals that this will be a new beginning and new friendships. I'm not perfect, how much I wish so that I could be perfect. Perhaps I should had been a bit more supportive of one of my friend today. Couldn't hurt and for that I'm sorry. But oh well, stupid me. I'm a fool. I definitely should be more supportive of people. Or maybe I'm just not completely used to turning over a new leaf. 

In the end, what is the point of all the hatred? What's left after revenge? What can one possibly gain from "sweet sweet revenge" beside that 5 second of happiness that depresses at an astonishing speed and soon becomes a feeling of emptiness? What is left then? And what if in the course of vengeance you end up destroying everything in your path, including your relationship with your loved ones? How sad it is that we know what lies ahead with this path yet we still chose to take it. Could it be human nature to succumb to such feelings? 

These two weeks of holiday can serve well for me to rejuvenate, relax and most importantly to study.  Yesterday has passed, today's ending, and tomorrow's a brand new day. Time to move forward one more step. Life's only bad if you let it be. Who am I to say all of that anyways? It's not like I'm not one who's consumed by that hatred. Let's just finish this page and start a new chapter now. I should make amends for things. Many things. 

Trying my best, but I trip and fall still once in a while. It's inevitable, who doesn't trip and fall? There sure seems to be many others who are much more fortunate, or perhaps they just made all the right choices in life. I should not let hatred get to my head and blind my eyes. Even if it's ever so tempting. Bloodshed only begets more bloodshed, there will never be a happy ending. 

House.

I can't help but to do some self-reflecting upon watching House, most of the time anyways.

Sometimes it just makes me feel all terrible deep inside. Perhaps I associate myself with House, if I went to the science stream, if I wanted to be a doctor instead of doing anything art, been the same person as I was. I wonder would I be almost the same as House? If, I was a genius of course, which I'm not, wish I was.

Cynical, apathetic, manipulative, moody. Yeah, sure seem a bit like how I was, and perhaps still am. House seems just a bit too familiar. Perhaps it's a good thing, that I am not happy about such a thing. I'll probably be thinking "Ah, how similar am I to him? I sure am boss." or something like that 3 years back. I'd never been a good son, never been a good friend and never been a good brother.

Perhaps this could be the reasons why I tend to be sidelined, outcasted and or not fit in at all. I basically grew up on the internet, rather than playing soccer with friends or catching a new popular movie. I'd grown apathetic and sadistic. Perhaps I'd been too far away from humans in real life. I'm all harden, all broken. It makes me wonder, how things could had went if I didn't grew up on the internet. If I didn't visited the forums I did, if I didn't take part in discussions on those forums like I did before, if I never found online gaming interesting. But such things are what makes me who I am today, today, I'm a guy sitting in his room after midnight listening to sad songs. For better or for worse I guess.

I hate myself, sometimes, lots of time 3 years ago, though even then my inflated ego existed, near narcissism, how scary. I'm prideful, I'm egotistic, I  never wanted to show my feelings, I repress myself and I thought the meaning of strong was to be calm at all times and have no fret. I'm an idiot, wish I wasn't, and the japanese says that idiots don't catch colds, so why am I catching colds?

Last year, things happened, and I'd sworn to change, bit by bit, steps by step, baby steps. I do think I'd changed, a bit. But I doubt that it's any good so far, I'm still near to where I used to be. Maybe I should just jump back into this dark pit that I wanted to come out of, am I giving up? Do I want to give up? Am I going back on my words and a person who I'd promised to?

Skipping School

Skipping school for today. Studying at home today. See how effective that is today. Let's see why someone in class likes to stay at home so much to study instead of going to school to study today.

Begets More Bloodshed

Bloodshed and hatred only begets more bloodshed and hatred, walls have ears and enemies are everywhere. I do not understand how one can have sympathy for another who has killed thousands, caused grieve to thousands, and destroyed the life of thousands. Action speaks much louder than words, but there's an exception to every rule. An act can easily be pulled off if nobody knows you well enough to judge. How many masks does an average joe wear? Can we survive if we were to throw away our collection of masks?

There comes a time where we cannot remove the mask we're wearing without removing a bit of our skin. Caught that on Criminal Mind season 6, forgot who's the one who they quoted it from. It is much hard to keep a gender warm smile in the dark. It's hard to have a touch that never hurts.

It's hard, it's hard to have a touch that never harm others, to be the first to shake an helping hand knowing fully well that your heart was once filled with hatred, still is, a hardened heart is not healthy. To be apathetic is so much easier than to be sympathetic or sensitive to other's feelings. Harder still to have a heart that never hardens,  especially when you're at your limits, especially when you're surrounded by hatred, prejudice and judgmental minds. Hypocrites, we all are hypocrites.

Never forget my promises to myself. Never forget what I'd said to my close friends. Never depend on others.

Good night to who ever may be reading this blog

We Had Forgotten.

Do you still remember the times when all it took to stop you from crying was candies and lollipops? And the reasons that made you cry were either lost toys, parents not letting you buy one, or you got a boo boo on your hand? Won't it be nice? To have a trip back to that time again, just for a day.

Do you still remember the time when we dreamed of meeting aliens, building rocket ships, being a lawyer, wearing a cape and fighting evil every where in the world? When a cardboard box can become a F1 car, when a calculator was a secret agent's super high tech communicator, and when you thought that you can build a bridge to the moon?

Have we all forgotten everything? Our dreams and our passions?
Could we ever again believe that there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
Can fantasy fairy tales with a good ending ever be the truth?
Are money, fame and fortune that's all on our minds?