Where He Stands Now

I'd blogged about things, many things. I'd took actions, some, little bits, small little steps. Things has happened here and there. I'd said a few things, I'd listened to a few things.

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

It used to be all about "I don't want to show my softer side, thus I act like a total douche." I end up sinking into it, I did became a jerk with a harden heart. I felt "uncomfortable" showing my softer side in real life, I never had heart to heart sections face to face with people or through the phone before. It was all done on the internet, and sometimes I even hide it when I'm on the internet. I repress myself all the time, I try to act like I don't care when I care enough to cry, I try to pretend that I'm doing it for my own benefits when I was genuinely trying to help.

A reaction formation is what a friend of mine said this was. I google'd.

"Reaction Formation occurs when a person feels an urge to do or say something and then actually does or says something that is effectively the opposite of what they really want"

Is that what I am? Find Yourself he says. Was it truly all about being uncomfortable? Maybe I feared it? Maybe I'm just afraid, afraid of how others would react to me? I don't know the reason anymore to that. But I do know that I probably had damaged relationships through this way. Relationships with an 's' at the end. Is it that 'good' to try and block everything and act like I'm cool? I weep like hell watching Toy Story 3 and then I say to people "I never cry. :D" Perhaps it's my obsession over the need to feel superior, that I don't want my image of myself being someone at the top to be challenged by what people think of me, that I have softer side? Was it because I'm scared of being taken advantage of by showing my softer side?

Oh well. I don't know anymore, I just don't. I can't find the answer in my mind. But at least now I believe I shouldn't do this anymore unnecessarily like what I had done so many times before, if I list them down, this blog entry is probably going to be so long that it'll take a year just to scroll through it. In a way, I guess this is sorta two faced even if I had no intentions of being pretentious. I shouldn't feel ashamed to show my softer side. Nobody should. Since I do this, I guess not many people truly know what type of person I am. I'm not going to try, I'm going to do my best to change. Where's that fire of my superiority complex and perfectionism when I need it?