Perhaps

Why despair when you're doing fine right now? Perhaps at a slower pace than before, perhaps more stressful and harder than before. Things are not the same anymore, perhaps you'd made a lot of mistakes yourself. Lost things, and gained something new along the long journey. A fictional character once said;

"You look like a man that has lost something.
But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Because when you lose something, you gain something else in return."

Nothing's ever free in this world, and everyone learn and improve through their mistakes, unless they did not fathom their mistakes. But perhaps that's why friends exists, they are our moral compass after all. You seem to possess a much better story to tell than the story I wrote. So why the long face sometimes? Perhaps you have your problems too, not surprising, everyone does have their own problems, their own lessons to learn, their own views in life. Perhaps that the story I have is much darker and depressing than your's is just an illusion and you're just censoring out all the details of your story, the deeper, darker parts. Perhaps I'm missing the mark most of the time. But I'm trying to not miss the bullseye so many times so frequently.

Perhaps it's time we all be more joyful, give more love, give less hate, lest we want another war world.

Perhaps life's like a game. In a game you level up so you can face off stronger enemies, you may die, but the experience never drops, and you will slowly learn how to beat the final boss. Same applies in real life, you gain experience points every day, even if you're studying in college, universities, school, working or even just slacking at home. It may be slow and little, but you learn, and you add a new skill to your arsenal, you'll progress through the game, measured by a percentage system. Boss battles are like daily challenges in life you  take on against. Died in the game? Reload, play again, don't give up. Made a mistake in real life? Pick yourself up, stand up strong and tall, and start walking once again, making sure you don't make the same mistake again, of course.

Perhaps life is as simple as that, and we are the ones who are making it complicating. Perhaps life's like a story, a novel written in ink, you can cross out lines and paragraphs, but it'll never be erased. All you can do is to do your best to move on and improve. But mistakes are still bound to happen anyways.

Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry"

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes



Tonight I wanna cry

The MMB Concert: Beyond The Music

Okay, I have no pictures to share for this event. But I went to the concert without the intention to take photos anyways. Just to sit there and listen to the music. I'll start off this blog entry by saying that I DO NOT believe the standard of the band has dropped too much, just that Michaelians are showing less support for the band, and when I say Michaelians, I am not restricting it to only students alone.

I quite enjoyed the concert, liked the songs, didn't find anything unpleasing. The concert had a number of 13 songs, including the encore songs. Just to name a few songs, there were;

We Are The World
I Feel Good
the song from Slumdog Millionaire

I think what the band really needs is some support from us Michaelians, even if the standard is dropping, even if they do not perform as well as before, even if the new batch isn't better than the previous batch and whatever reason you can think of. Why? Because they are the Michaelian Military Band, no matter what, they should had gotten our support if anything. Not blames and hate. That will just further discourage anyone and everyone.

Declaration of War

I take that as a declaration of war, bitch. I had been becoming more and more hostile towards people. But so be it. Unity and friendship my ass. 'Bro' my ass, I'm not part of such a "family."

Reminisce sometimes;

Once in a while I recall the beginning of my 'net life.'

my first yahoo account, it was xxx_himura_kenshin_xxx or something like that, before that one was an email address I created at a computer center, so it didn't count. I have a bit of vivid memories of it. Back when I was still fresh on the net, naive and a bit of innocence still existed in me.

I went to a role playing chatroom on yahoo. It was called "..... Tavern" I do not remember the name anymore, it's a shame, a big big shame. I miss those people who were part of the small little role playing community that we became. The frequent visitors of the tavern. I believe the number of visitors to said tavern was around 5?

I roleplayed Himura Kenshin, a samurai from Japan, those who watch the show Samurai X aka Rurouni Kenshin will know who he is.

Then there was a Queen Chibi or Chibi Vampire, I forgot her exact username, but she roleplayed a queen of vampire or of that sorts.

Another vivid visitor was someone by the name of "Nova" or was it "Noah?" Probably Noah, I do not remember much anymore. He was the one who I talked to the most often in the chatroom and outside the chat room I believe, I am not sure what character it was that he played, but he seem like the typical macho-ish DMC loving type of people. I remember this one line he said though;

Me: You stop role-playing Loz?
Noah: people laughed at me for playing Loz.

heh, kinda funny it was.

then I remember the first time I did a role-play fight with him. He actually got impressed by me and told some of his friends to check out how I role-play. I didn't know what to do then, got nervous. Haha, good times. I love role-playing I guess. I sure miss those guys.

A while after that, the chatroom function was discontinued by Yahoo!, god fucking know why. That marked the end of the Tavern. Sooner or later it would end anyways, though I kinda would had liked it more if it ended later.

Lost contact with everyone from that time, a girl who role-played Rikku, and a girl who role-played Misao, I think they might had been the same people? I can't recall much anymore.

I kinda miss those times. Sure beats some of the current people I'm facing.

And then, there's Galadoria Online, a few good friends I'd met there. Oh it ended too.

Siruke, Malificous, Norgaroth and many others. I was the community noob there, but so be it. Kinda wish I can revisit those moments, even if it meant that I become a lifeless zombie again. Just for a day or two won't hurt so bad.

Those were also the moments that I was being particularly "emo" as a person. But oh well. So much has happened, the past has gone, the future's coming and the present is well, the present, time to go sleep.

Updates

School's as usual. Life's as usual. Nothing really has changed since MUET was over since Saturday. It's already 10.30pm here. Oh hell, time moves too fast sometimes, and move too slow sometimes. Wouldn't it be good if we could pause, rewind, and fastforward time with just a click of a button on a remote control like in "The Click?"

Updated my private blog too.

So Ends Yet Another Chapter

How many examinations has us taken so far? I'd lost count, I do not think anyone can remember. Today was the Malaysia University English Test. MUET for short. Candidates are ranked from Band 1 to Band 6, Band 6 being the highest and 1 the lowest. Every year the country only produces around 5 Band 6 candidates. I really really wanted to get a Band 6. But alas, the dream's fading super quickly. I do not see a Band 6 at the last page of this chapter. Hope for the best and expect the worst. Oh the wait for the result shall kill me mercilessly. The topic were fairly easy, but I have my doubts.

Someone sing me a lullaby tonight.

Went for a scroll at Ipoh Parade with some of my classmates after the test. I still can't throw off this uneasiness though, I don't think I'll be happy when I see my MUET results. I doubt it, I honestly doubt it.

Gonna clean up my figurines and room I guess. I wonder can I finish all my maths in time? There's just so freaking many. Past year STPM questions, examination level questions from a recently finished chapter among many many things. Time's of the essence. What happened to that time table of mine? Better set it straight. Gonna take Lai Lin's advice on deciding on the amount of hours and what subject to study everyday instead of a fully fixed time table. That way I will have the flexibility to move around and not miss anything.

Faiz: Paradise Lost

I watched the movie again after a long long time of no-faiz land. I never really loved Faiz, it was the second series that I watched when I finally decided to get back into Kamen Rider and drop the whole "Dude, Power Ranger's for kids, I'm freaking 10 years old, not a kid anymore" attitude.

SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE BELOW

Anyways, onto the movie! The first time I'd watched it, I hated it. It was the first movie that introduced me to alternate universe for Rider movies. Not only that, but I got way confused by Takumi and his Takeshi character. I probably didn't pay much attention back then I guess. After rewatching I get the ideas going around the show. I liked the movie in general, but then there are parts that get me mad.

I didn't really fancy the whole Savior thing that they were going for Faiz the first time I watched the movie, I never pictured Takumi as caring and stuff, but that was 2-3 years ago. Now I love the idea. "Cutting through the darkness and bring back the light." I like it, it's like it came out from a epic adventure story, which I may add that I love.

Faiz as a story has so much potential, but the communication problem between the characters are still there. Kusaka's still another bitch, Takumi never grows as a character, and if only the wolf  orphenoch that hangs with Kiba had gotten more development, along with Keitaro, then maybe the audience would had felt more for them. Then there's the ending, Takumi and Mari just walking away from the stadium, really? Not even touching on the rebellion force and absolutely no hinting on how things will go? I don't think the writer made it clear how the audience in the stadium felt. They sure seem threaten though. But what Takumi said at the end just seem like he's going to ignore the whole war between Orpechnochs and humans again, it's in character, but...didn't he just said that he'll inherit Kiba's ideals? Give the guy some development would ya?

Takumi in the movie really grew on me as a character. I used to dislike him, emotionless, apathetic and antagonistic. But he's grounded enough for me to imagine him as a real person. His personality kinda contrasts Kiba's personality and the way he and Kiba ended up in both the series and movie just made it much sadder. Kiba's changing sides in the movie is much more tolerable for me. The change to the Orphenoch side was fine, but he just randomly decided to help Mari after getting beaten up by Faiz, before they said anything. Whaaaat? Really?

I guess my biggest beefs with the movie was Kiba's sudden change of heart, the conclusion of the movie and the lack of focus on other characters. Takumi and Mari got a lot of focus, I kinda like Mina, she seems like my type of girl, short hair and stuff, wish they at least dug a grave for her or something. She wasn't mentioned again after getting shot dead. Some characters could had gotten more development like the wolf guy companion of Kiba who's name escapes me, and Keitaro. They had a few perfect chances too. I find it lacking somehow, the characters never really grew in both the series and the movie. Would had be amazing to see Takumi grow to become more honest, open up his heart and show his emotions, believe in people and take up the name of the savior "Kamen Rider Faiz." Maybe the writer wanted to go for an open ending but I still do not really like the way it was done. What happened to Keitaro anyways after Takumi and Mari came out of the stadium? Is he going to unite with them again or the two of them will hide from the world?

I don't really understand why I was bored with the movie the first time I watched it, It's pretty interesting and entertaining to me this time round. The show and the movie has so much potential though, if the show decided to take the movie's road, I wonder how it would had went, it might had been epic.

I'm now interested in writing a Faiz redux comic sort of thing, maybe a tiny blend of Zone Of the Enders, consider me inspired XD

Where He Stands Now

I'd blogged about things, many things. I'd took actions, some, little bits, small little steps. Things has happened here and there. I'd said a few things, I'd listened to a few things.

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

It used to be all about "I don't want to show my softer side, thus I act like a total douche." I end up sinking into it, I did became a jerk with a harden heart. I felt "uncomfortable" showing my softer side in real life, I never had heart to heart sections face to face with people or through the phone before. It was all done on the internet, and sometimes I even hide it when I'm on the internet. I repress myself all the time, I try to act like I don't care when I care enough to cry, I try to pretend that I'm doing it for my own benefits when I was genuinely trying to help.

A reaction formation is what a friend of mine said this was. I google'd.

"Reaction Formation occurs when a person feels an urge to do or say something and then actually does or says something that is effectively the opposite of what they really want"

Is that what I am? Find Yourself he says. Was it truly all about being uncomfortable? Maybe I feared it? Maybe I'm just afraid, afraid of how others would react to me? I don't know the reason anymore to that. But I do know that I probably had damaged relationships through this way. Relationships with an 's' at the end. Is it that 'good' to try and block everything and act like I'm cool? I weep like hell watching Toy Story 3 and then I say to people "I never cry. :D" Perhaps it's my obsession over the need to feel superior, that I don't want my image of myself being someone at the top to be challenged by what people think of me, that I have softer side? Was it because I'm scared of being taken advantage of by showing my softer side?

Oh well. I don't know anymore, I just don't. I can't find the answer in my mind. But at least now I believe I shouldn't do this anymore unnecessarily like what I had done so many times before, if I list them down, this blog entry is probably going to be so long that it'll take a year just to scroll through it. In a way, I guess this is sorta two faced even if I had no intentions of being pretentious. I shouldn't feel ashamed to show my softer side. Nobody should. Since I do this, I guess not many people truly know what type of person I am. I'm not going to try, I'm going to do my best to change. Where's that fire of my superiority complex and perfectionism when I need it?

Easy, Hard, Easy, Hard

Some have it easy. Some have it hard. Some are born with a golden key in life, fancy sport cars at the age of 18, premier college and univerisity, having a maid and lots of cash.Others, not so lucky. Though sometimes, those with an iPhone, an expensive laptop and a good car as his or her first car, couldn't even donate RM 10 to the homeless and those in need. Why has the world turn so materialistic and inhumane? When and how? Was it like this too in the old old days where cars didn't exist? Can't there be a bit more trust and love going around? Hatred and selfishness are the last thing we'll ever need.

There's people on Facebook that just need to write a two word sentence as a status and they get 20 comments instantly from different people and 10 likes. Some could write a pretty sensible status that's related to them and get zero attention. Some people get sidelined, some get all the lime light. Some outcasted and never given chances, some no matter how much of a douche they are, they still get that little bit of attention from everyone. Some receives support, some probably don't. Some have 200 over friends on Facebook and more than 200 followers on Twitter, but when he or she needs the moral support, none turns up. Some just post a sad emoticon and people rush to the rescue. Fake or real, I have no idea.

Never do upon others what you do not want to be done upon you yourselves. Try not to outcast people or to sideline them. It's an hurtful thing to bear for those who know how it feels. Some have it easy, they don't know how loneliness feel like. Some have it hard, they know fully well how painful it could be. Some have it hard, they know how it feels to sense that they don't belong where they are while others are having easy, never even needing to doubt the place that that stand on. The person you know who smiles the most isn't necessarily the happiest person you know. Everyone goes through their own problems.

Try and try to break barriers and climb, you find gems along the way, very true. Though some have it pretty easy. They just need to sit down and people are going to bring them up instead. I guess it's true that they say there's no free lunch in this world, and in this world, nothing will ever truly be fair play.

Well, numbers in the end, doesn't really matter. You could have thousands, but if none ever come back to you, what would be the point? Cherish the few number that will come back. Those are the ones that truly matters. It's the little things that matters.

For all those who knows of the pain that are spoken of, all there is to say is to not lose to the world.

Past, Present and Future

Can we judge by the past? Just because one has did sinful things, will it automatically make him an outcast for the rest of his life?

No, we probably can't.

Who's to say a person will not change? I'm a living prove that people do change sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone learns.

Suddenly it doesn't seem fair anymore to judge someone based on past experiences and what wrong had they done.

I'd never understood characters who did not want to kill the person they sought revenge against. I'd never understood it when the protagonist doesn't want to kill the antagonist in the show even when it's clear that the antagonist was wrong and he deserved death. Also, I'd definitely never understood why would someone spare a killer, or even forgive sometimes.

Why? Why don't we just kill them off? Why do we give some people second chances to live again?

Well, for all those questions asked above, I think I somehow answered them myself yesterday night.

Time changes everyone after all. Everyone learns, everyone make mistakes. If someone doesn't make any sort of mistakes, then it probably mean that that person is not someone who would try new things. We all learn this way. A second chance for those who would truly change would mean a lot for them. If you would never forgive people, how are you going to expect that people will forgive you for your wrong doings as well?  New people we meet shouldn't be judged upon the past, neither should our old friends too, all because of the reason I stated above.

It's better to let go of the past, to move on and live on. Looking back once in a while to see how much you have grown throughout the course of your life. It's better that we don't judge a person based on what others have to say and what they did in the past.