My Story

27/8/2013

My darker side is always stronger than me.

No matter how kind this heart of mine used to be, it has now been tainted by darkness and I will never become pure once again. Indeed, I’d lost that chance a long time ago, when I’d sacrificed everything in order to be ‘matured’ and ‘as cruel as everything else in this world.’ A foolish choice, but a choice I’d made and have to live with anyways. I can’t change the past, no matter how unpleasant and no matter how much better are other people’s pasts are. What I have are these choices that I’d made over the years. I have lost many, I have gained enough, I have experienced, I have learned, I have helped others and I have sinned, I have cried and I have smiled. All of the things, both good and bad have made me who I am today. I may not be proud of some of my decisions, but I’m at least contempt that I’m who I am right now.

But there are times, when I lose control of my darker side. Times I wish I could change, times I cannot forget. It is true that there’s always a balance, and finding a balance between your dark self and yourself would be ultimately more beneficial than neglecting one side. But it still scares me sometimes, my darker side is always in wait, waiting to consume, destroy and leave only ruins in its path. I don’t want that to ever happen again. But it just feels exactly like it’s consuming me, slowly draining my strength and destroy me when I’m at my most vulnerable.

Even worse is that I know there is nothing that I can do beside to continuous fight back, relentlessly, keeping hope alive till the very last breathe, until if someone would reach in through this everlasting cold, cruel darkness.

Everyone has a story of their struggles, well, I guess this is part of mine. 

As If the darkness's slowly consuming my heart. 

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man Gotta Do

Honestly speaking, i loathe myself.

I am not anywhere near being an ideal friend, left alone a boyfriend or husband. Neither am I that good to my family members, oh but I'd learned, and the hard way had learned. Perhaps I really haven't moved on from my past, evident from my fear of my other self. How are others going to like me, if I am still here loathing myself to death?

I suppose in this situation where I'd fallen for someone, I have but one choice. To toughen up, push myself to become as capable as any other honorable soul. To no longer loathe myself for the past deeds I'd committed, be it good or bad.

Mr.Dark Side

I'd been playing League of Legends a lot lately, raging mostly because I'd been losing games on a streak since July. Trying to control myself and subdue the anger and frustration but I just keep playing the game anyways. I'd been considering uninstalling it to be honest. But meh, it keeps me entertained and satisfied when I win hard games. I'd always been a gamer at heart I suppose?

There's one thing I noticed though, the game brings out the worst in me, the darker side that I don't want people to get to know, not even for the people I love and hold dear in my life. I have a sharp mind, sense and a really sharp tongue when I play the game. I can figure out what the opponent team is doing(through sheer experience) and see their weak spot, as well as mine, ours and their strength as well. Other than that, I'm also critical and aggressive, if I know that can be done I will do it, and I will die trying. I don't give up easily, and if someone is blaming anyone else on the team, I fuck them over. Well, not literally, but I do fuck them over with words so hard that everyone are speechless.

Honestly speaking I'm not trying to brag, I just realized I'd been doing this consistently, it's part of my darker side that I'm not proud of, cause when I do become that side of me, I do hurt people, intentionally or not. Those harsh words definitely will hurt.

However, I was also efficient. Man, I wonder what can I do to tap into these strengths of mine without resorting to making myself a jerk.

Growing Up

In the process of growing up, we'd lost so much. We pretended to be adults when the time was not right, now we mourn the time we have lost. But oh it's even lonelier when you're alone in that boat, where everyone else in your life did not made the same mistake. Even more frustrating is that they are wasting their time away without caring about making it worth while. Time turns back for no one.

Now here we are, in suits and ties, a briefcase to complete the appeal. What now? We have we gained from rushing into adulthood so much? What are the returns for the things we had lost? Can they ever be regained?

Of course, one cannot abuse these feelings and stay a kid forever, you can't be 26 and be jobless, leeching on your parents for food and a place to live. You have to take responsibility, now this is growing up properly, without neglecting your inner child, without neglecting your responsibilities. That's what it means to grow up. To strike a balance.

It's sad how we have all neglected ourselves in the pursuit of adulthood, neglected our dreams and passions, especially when we pursuit it at the time where we should had embraced our childhood.

Scarred Wings

I used to be the lonely one, left behind, the underdog that will not get attention even if I tried. I'd grown up adjusting to this. There was a period of time that I thought that this was the way to live, to close all windows and doors to my heart, makes no friends and of course, like all idiots I realized that it was a bad mindset far too late. I'd grown into that type of character, a lone wolf, an extroverted lone wolf, see the problem? I came to be a jackass. But that's not what this blog post is about, this blog post will serve me as a timeline of sorts, for me to look back my rear mirror and see how much I'd grown.

Well, that's the story of my past, after that, I'd spit venom on everyone I met, either intentionally or not. I'm amazed that two of my form 4-5(end of high school year periods) friends are well, still friends with me. Despite all that I'd done, and let's just say that I was on the giving side of bullying one of these said friends. I regret it now, I didn't really realize it was bully until this year or so. But oh well, what's done is done, I'll atone for all the things I'd done wrong to my family, friends and anyone else one way or another, but I digress. That's not the topic of this post.

Throughout my life, I'd been the well liked kid, the emo sore loser, the forgotten jackass, and then in form 6(Pre-university level) I was the enemy of my own class, as the assistance class representative. It was a giant step for me, to hold up a position that has any shed of responsibility. It wasn't that I was doing my job strictly, it was just that I didn't get along with them, couldn't fit in, and I responded by kicking and punching back, we spitted venom in each's eyes.

Now here I am, in the year 2013, studying in SEGi. Secretary of the Student Representative Council, and fitting in with the crowds. I'm glad I met all of you who I had met on my journey from Form 4 till now. I'm glad, that I stopped being an emo, stopped being a kid, stopped being a jackass. Perhaps being a jackass isn't entirely in my nature after all, I don't know, but I do know that I'm glad I have changed and that I can fit in well with the SRC, the Otakura group, that my friends from Form 4-5 and a few real friends from Form 6 did not give up on me.

Perhaps my wings are not broken entirely after all. Perhaps they are just scarred, and that the scars hurts a tad bit every time I try to fly. But I guess that's life, nobody lives without pain, it only proves that we're truly alive. All of us, fly or at least try to fly while feeling a bit of pain from each of our scars.

I'm a sinner

I suppose it's cowardly and selfish, to hope upon someone's death, but dare not take up the burden of shouldering the sin or staining your hands. I still remember one time someone got hospitalized on the same day that I was having a majorly bad day and was cursing through my whole gaming session, I had to pause in the middle of the game to visit the hospital.  Fine, I'll stop cursing at people (especially at hazardous drivers), or at least I won't curse them to get killed, maybe just ass-raped by a cactus. Maybe. No, I'll stop cursing and hoping that they will die, maybe just rant about how terrible they are and how stupid they are. I'll take matters into my own hands, I'll just have to be a better gamer, a better driver, a better student and all that.

People always seem to change after they have lost something important huh? Oh, why do we all always learn it the hard way?

Why Am I Learning Mandarin?

I'd been getting questions from friends and family members about why I'd been learning mandarin hahahaha, some believed me that I wanted to learn, some knew that I didn't know how to speak or listen to mandarin, some don't believe me at all when I say I don't speak mandarin, thinking that I was lying or just scared of being told my mandarin is bad. Oh well, the reasons and their beliefs differs, and no one's at fault here.

Here we go, the reason why I am so motivated to learn mandarin is actually a bit sad, heh, but a motivational force nevertheless. One of my friend, a malay guy sang Qing Fei De Yi during the Installation Day of SEGi University this year, and he nailed it perfectly. I gotta say, I was impressed, and jealous. That a non-chinese could talk...or, well, sing better than me in mandarin.

Of course, I'm jealous of some other too who have great mastery of english, mandarin/cantonese and malay, oh I'm so so so jealous of them. But honestly speaking, as much as I'm egotistic and all, this is not the main reason. My main reason for me to push myself hard enough to start learning is because everyone sung along to my friend's Qing Fei De Yi that night, and I was the only chinese guy who didn't understand or wasn't able to sing along. It felt cold, it felt lonely. I'm tired of being left behind, and I'm tired of being the odd one out. That's why...I'll make this promise to myself, I'll make sure I can speak and listen to mandarin by the time I graduate from SEGi University with my degree.