Photos

Remember, Whatever you'd got, it ain't enough if you don't got love.
Remember, being number 1 doesn't matter.
Remember, how it felt to be left behind, to be alone so don't ostracize others.
Remember, power without the ability to help others is almost meaningless.
Remember, be yourself, but don't let your darker side get a hold of you.
Remember, pride, ignorance and arrogance can do you in.
Remember, dream on but don't just dream, make it happen.
Remember, the joy and smiles of people who you'd helped.
Remember, never burn bridges, and bridges can be repaired.
Remember, karma's a bitch.
Remember, crying just shows that you're strong enough to show your vulnerabilities.
Remember, stand up for what's right.

Judgement

This post would had been posted in my private blog if I was to type this a year back, most likely anyways. But as if anyone was reading my private blog, either due to lack of permission(it's set to private after all) or by a lack of interest(which with my personality, nobody would had been interested unless they were some of my very closest friends). Yesterday night I'd managed to speak up for once, on a certain very important topic that I would had never talked about. It's not common for me to take off the mask, I suppose, and as a consequences it has stuck onto my skin.

God, I can keep going with those brackets. First and foremost, I'll like to apologize for yet another long blog posts that I'll be pestering you guys to read, perhaps almost addressing most of you guys I'd asked to read personally, therefore I will refer to everyone with code names. Also, Dr.Altruist I bet you'll be bored at the middle due to the usage of very japanese based themes, but I have no idea how else to convert those words(just to make the post a tad bit shorter.).

I'd took a little step tonight, it doesn't mean anything at all to anyone, of course. Not even to some of my best friends, who both understand me, and don't understand me much. What do you think about it, Dr.Altruist?

My ego issue is definitely not something new, everyone who I call a friend knows about it, close or not. Okay, maybe not the "not-close-at-all-hi-bye-friends." But that's exactly the issue isn't it? I'd built up such a wall here myself. I'm a ball of problems mushed together. I used to be pessimistic and cynical, I used to think Sasuke was cool. For those who don't know, Sasuke is one of those "cool" characters in one of those japanese comics that was super popular at the time of my growing up. Let's just say he's anti-social, a lone-wolf, and the strongest fighter out of the three of the main protagonists at that time. I'd always digged characters like that back then. The cool anti social guy. Boy, was I stupid, I wished I was like em for whatever reasons. Point is, I started losing hope in humanity, in society, in god, in everything. It's why I'm an Atheist now, and to be completely honest I wish I still have capability to believe in 'God.' Now I just speculate at best that there is a higher power.

How I started losing hope? Well, Other than Alchemist, Blade and Dr.Altruist, I don't think anyone else knows. I'd never talked about it. My parents are divorced since I was a teenager...or younger, I don't remember that much, and how and why, how do I feel and what's my personal opinion on the matter? That's perhaps a tale for another time guys, and perhaps a bit too personal to put on digital diaries. My dad's remarried, and I have two mothers, things are in a stable happy status now. And I'm glad that almost everyone are finding peace again. But I suspect this is part of the root cause of what I'd became, another reason is I suppose I'd watched too much TV, being influenced, and naively and innocently comparing between cartoon worlds and reality. Nobody is going to help you without benefits, the world is cold. But I suppose this is what happens to an unsupervised kid. Now you guys can pick up some pieces here and there and figure out what else happened and how I felt about certain things, I wonder if it's enough though. I never really had chances to voice out when I was a kid, and I was just another teenage nerd that stays in his room most of the time everyday interacting with people whose faces I would never know how they look like. That's why I am obsessed with power I suppose.  I wanted to stop being left behind, I realized that I can't depend on others, that I should had learned to stand on my own, not because it's the 'right thing to do' but because it's my own responsibility to stand up, nobody should help me to stand. Even babies want to stand on their own when they know the time is right.

Truth is, I'd never really been the kind to let my feelings show, you can say I'm a very tsundere guy. A tsundere is a japanese term, it basically means a person who doesn't show his or her true feelings easily at first, or otherwise, there's alterations and varying scales, but that's for the japanese scene people to know and understand(I don't really get the rest of the definition myself.) Here's a linkie for those who are interested

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Tsundere

But that's what I meant by "building a wall, in my emo-phrase days, I'd managed to built a wall between myself and people, I'd actually convinced myself that having less friends is better so there's less goodbyes, and nobody would ever need to be sad for the death of a pathetic, useless, and incompetent trash loser like me. I'd developed an inferiority complex, and to make up for it after I went out of my emo-phrase, and into perhaps my rage-phrase, I developed a superiority complex to fill the gaps. That's how I ended up bullying Alchemist, I suppose, and never liked it when he gets the better of me in games or whatever else, I wanted to always be ahead of him. I wish I can say I fall into the "jerk with a heart of gold" category of those 'tsun' people, but I doubt my own heart's power to love nowadays.

Good thing is, I know this ego of mine, the mess that I am, this broken toy, could be fixed, and being the best is not the most important thing in the world. To quote Bon Jovi

"What do you got when you ain't got love? Whatever you'd got, it just ain't enough."

I'd came to grips with that before, but I'd lost sight of it again I suppose. I burned many bridges back in Form 6, regrettably I even tried burning my bridges with Alchemist and Blade, one of my biggest mistakes ever, and guys, I'd never really apologized to you guys on this, so here's an formal public apology to make up for it. I'm sorry, but I suppose now I'd learned it the hard way that burning bridges is most of a time a bad idea. I made less than 10 friends in the whole 1 and a half year of Form 6 after all.

That aside, Alchemist and Blade, we sure have a long way to go if we are calling ourselves close friends or best friends, heh, after looking at two guys in my university club, Dragon and Old Man makes a better couple of best friends than we do, and we even had a longer head start.

This section is dedicated to the underdogs gang, Though I don't really have anything negative to say. Mostly because we never really met much until very recently and I was not around for the last ordeal we had. I know the sharing session was already over, but bear with me please, I'm a tad bit reluctant to do feeling sharing sessions due to my established nature. :/

Dragon, you're a fun guy, I definitely love your voice impersonations. I like how level-headed you are when you're not in the car. I actually get how you feel Dragon, about Old Man. While my closest friends are not the ones I have envied and was jealous over, I had classmates like that, one of them was even on a mary sue level. Let's say the mary sue guy motivated me to get out of my emo-phrase and then in form 4 I'd never talked to him again, sadly. We just drifted away and I'd tried to become like him so much that my superiority complex even worsen, and my ego grew bigger than it originally was to begin with. I'm not denying that I don't have a bit of an ego issue to begin with though. So yeah, it's good you think of him as a rival rather than someone you want to become like, and then lose yourself in the process. Be who you are, because you won't know when will someone look up to you. Don't be like me, I used to have one guy who looked up to me, he was naive, and he's dramaful, almost more than we-know-who-with-the-yes-and-noes, I don't know if he truly looked up to me, but yeah, there it was, and it just felt terrible having someone looking up to someone like me, trash like me who's living in someone elses shadow, and being absorbed by self hate, pride and among other stuff, the list could go on.

Old Man, you talk like an old man sometimes with that on and off accent you have hahaha! But you're an awesome guy. Eh, I guess that's it. Beside club stuffs, games and animes, we haven't really gotten to know each other yet.

The Fool, I agree, you worry a bit too much sometimes. But I doubt it's a bad thing, then again, I can't say I'm a good judge of things as of now, since we'd never been in a serious pinch where everyone would had shown their truer sides, well, perhaps you guys already experienced it during my absence. But it's why I can't make accurate and fair judgement on you guys yet. Perhaps I'm trying to avoid being prejudice or bias since I'd had enough of that. I was surprised to hear that you said that you felt that I would somehow break one day if nobody kept an eye on me, and I suppose that's partly true. I admit I'm the type that may stray from his path when nobody's watching over me, what a joke I am, a very social-based extrovert wanting to be an anti-social lone wolf, bah.

To be honest, even I had been feeling like I'd get left out of the club or something, like when you guys go on about WS, some new animes and stuff, I just stay quiet and listen, sometimes I feel like I'm the weaker link, like if I was removed from the scene, it won't had matter because I didn't really matter. Perhaps I'm being paranoia? I don't know. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it would had been better if I was born a girl with this personality, maybe more people would had cared and I would had a reason to be 'insecure' but again, bah.

The Answer

I’d been asked before what type of women did I fancy and even though I thought I knew what type of women I liked in the first place, I was at a lost trying to answer that question. I found myself pondering on it for a while. Well, today it seems I finally have found a satisfactory answer to this troublesome question.

I like women who embrace their feminism with pride and grace. The ones who are not ashamed to be born a woman but also take matters into their own hands. I admire them for standing up against the majority, to do their best to tell the world that “women are equals” but do not demand special treatments such as “ladies first” and “You are going to give me the job we’re both fighting for because I’m a woman, and men are supposed to let women go first.” I believe that is truly admirable and makes a woman just that much more attractive.

I suppose I’m the type who is looking for a life partner instead of someone to spend my lonely nights with.  Someone to have fights with, to have laughs with and to be friends with. Yes, I think that would be indeed for me, the person would be both someone I love and respect.

The Journey

This post is dedicated to all my closest friends.

I have a friend, Mr. Jack SkEllington(Did I spell that right?) who once told me that I had too little close friends, you know, the people who would go to your funeral if you were to leave them first and they will send you off with a sincere heart. After seeing my cousin sister’s birthday party, I was surprised by the crowd of friends she had. It was surely a sight to be impressed with, or perhaps only in my opinion, perhaps only I had not experienced having a big group of friends celebrating your birthday.

Oh but I do have my fair share of close friends, maybe they are not able to throw me such a big party, maybe I had never threw them such a big party either. I was really happy when my friends threw me party during my Upper Form 6 year, even though Mr. Alchemist totally leaked the secret of my surprise birthday party, I was totally happy and nevertheless surprised to an extend of the warm reception. I must admit, I’d never been a good friend to anyone in the past, though I’m trying my best nowadays to not go back on my promise on being a better friend to all my remaining closest friends. I’m glad and grateful that they did not leave me. Ms. Baker, Ms. Swimmer and Ms. Child On Board, thanks for being some of my only friends in the whole of my form 6 life, it was supposed to have more than 200 students during our batch. But I guess I only made friends with you 3 girls and a few others. It’s ironic, that I became closer friends with you guys than with my classmates, but I am more than glad that I do have the privilege to still call a small number of my classmates as my friends.

(Oh, and by the way, so sorry to ya, Ms.Child On Board, I just can't think of any code name for you. I'm terrible at naming things.)

Maybe one day we can have a big party to make up for everyone missing their big ‘parties’ and I will not make any exception for anyone not attending. Dr. Altruist, I suppose I shouldn’t expect you to be at a party, but I am expecting you to be there, I’d noticed you had loosen up a bit since the days where we talked every night on MSN. I’m glad to see that, remember when I told you that you came off as a bit intimidating at times?

Though I can’t help but be powerless against this feeling of loneliness, do I yearn for such a large amount of close friends or do I feel like I’ll never matter to so many people, as much as they will matter to me? To be honest, I’m succumbing to it; maybe this is the reason why I have been refusing to sleep. Even when it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, I suppose it’s my own way of trying to help myself by writing out this blog post that I’ll post when I get back to KL. This post was typed and completed on the 22^nd of May 2013.

Yes, Mr. Jack SkEllington, you’re right. As much as Facebook amplify the illusion of other people being happy and you being a lonely bastard, I must admit that I may have too little close friends. Or perhaps, maybe this how it is actually supposed to be, where you are surrounded by a tiny group of people who truly care about you? That, I’ll never know, but as I step into my University campus every day, I’m learning new things, things I should learned earlier like everyone else. But I still have time to continue learning, right? Anyhow, I would not be regretting if the world is going to end tomorrow, I’ll do my best to make up for lost time, even if I were to only have one more day.

Mr. Alchemist, you’re an idiot, but I digress as I’m an even bigger idiot. Honestly compared to before the only things that makes you annoying now are just minor things, loosen up a bit on phone calls and touching people when you’re talking to them might help you out professionally and personally, hahaha! I know, you and Mr. Blade had gave me a lot of leeway and forgave a lot of things, that’s why I was a tad bit pissed when you two were pushing the decision on where to watch The Fast and The Furious 6 at. But I’d never been the type to show his emotions clearly, it’s a bit hard trying to do it now but I’m on my way though, slowly, but surely.

Signing off, Chi Chung.

365 Days Photo Challenge

I'd been doing 365 Days Photo Challenge and opened a separate blog with all the photos I'd done so far on it, which is 23.

http://365dreamdays.blogspot.com/

Please take a look guys :) and like them on my facebook album if you have my facebook!!

Reminiscing Last Year

Today is the Michaelian Cross Country Run- no, this time we are calling it the Michaelian Centennial Cross Country Run. I still remember my failed attempt to break into a conversation with the girl I was in love with, failed to get a decent photo of her as well. But well, I had my ways to get my hands on a decent photo of a girl of my dreams. Heh. On that day I also had one of the worst karaoke moments ever. What a long day it was that day, and I still haven't became complete strangers with my classmates...or so I think, ah, yes. We haven't. I still remember last year's Cross Country Run fell on the 20 something of February. One of my classmate's birthday, one of the minority of my classmates that I didn't end up becoming enemies and strangers with.

Heh, but at least there were some funny bits from that day, I think. The plan me and my classmate had for a surprise birthday party for the birthday boy was ALMOST wasted, I heard he was planning to leave. Lucky one of his friends dragged him back. Or it'd been a bust, I'd learned a lesson never to "go with the flow" when planning things. Also, one of my friend's car broke down when he was coming to the school, haha, lucky had already reached his destination...well, nearly anyways.

I kinda regret that I was the camera guy for the last Michaelian Cross Country Run ever that I would be joining, but alas, curse my indecisiveness and inabilities. Frankly, I won't mind not being able to remember anything about last year's cross country run, it was sorta a terrible day, the karaoke incident specifically so to speak.

However I harbor no regrets or hate towards Form 6. I still do believe that it was a good decision to go for Form 6. I'd discovered a few things, and rediscovered the rest. Arguably, my form 6 life could had turned out  a lot better, but who's whining?

Aeroplane

Yet another year, yet another chapter. The plane has lift off to it's next destination.

These two years; 2010 and 2011 had been roller-coaster rides for me. Though it consists more down than up. I screwed up, over and over again, and the bitter memories far out-weights the pleasant and sweet rare moments that I had in Form 6. Indeed it does. Out of more than 200 students in form 6 from my batch, I'm one of those who didn't mattered, and I share my condolences with everyone else who felt the same on this ridiculous journey.

Being in my class, the only way I can describe it is that it was horrible. It wasn't the teachers or the study-load, not even the pressure. But my classmates, well majority of them anyways. The times I'd spent with them, quite frankly I rather forget it all, they were simply not worth a dime. No hard feelings however, if ever one of my classmate is reading this, it's not that I don't value our temporary 'friendship' or anything, but simply because it felt too fake for me to embrace at the end of the road.

Numerous bridges were burned on this lonesome journey, so many lessons that I'd learned. I'd lost a lot, but at the same time perhaps I could argue that I also had gained something in return. At least out of this hell hole I have one, or two friends I'd made. Perhaps we will part ways too, but I'd learned. This road, sparked many things, a midst those are my actions; trying to fortify the bridges I'd abandoned foolishly, trying to take off a mask, learning the meanings of a few neglected words and learning how to appreciate. For this I'm grateful and glad that I took on this journey and managed to finish it. Sure, there's a chance that I might fail now, but at least I did my best.

If I did not went on this lonely journey and if those bridges were not burned maybe things would had turned out a lot differently, that I won't had became better friends with my closest friends. Someone once told me although little is good, I have just too little friends. Perhaps that's true, perhaps Mr.C.

Regardless of what had happened, a lot is happening now, a lot of good things I suppose.