Oh how foolish I used to be, and still is?
To wish to be alone, to wish for solitude. Silence kills me. Why was I ever so foolish to find such thing to be attractive?
To take things for granted, to do things that gave them disappointment and shattered their hearts. Damaged our relationships. Look what they had done to your poor worn out body, those nasty men in white collars and with a disc upon their head, but is it their fault? All I know is that you're not the one to be blamed for all that's happening. I'm deeply, deeply sorry, if only I had a time machine, I'll right all the wrong that I did.
To wish for separation, doing foolish things and holding the words that I truly wish to express deep within myself, is it in fear of rejection? Is it because I had an inferiority complex? Is that why I developed such a hardened heart and such a vile soul? There is but bits of innocence left in such a soul as mine, if heaven exists, I do not think St.Peter will ever call upon my name. If I had acted differently, if I had not wore the mask of a monster, would things had been different? Would I not feel the loneliness that I am feeling right now? Will my hands be embracing much more? Would I had learned to embrace what I had much sooner?
If I had had more patience, and learned to walk away from fights, and learn not to let hate have it ways. Would I been a better person? Would I had not hurt others without a thought of hesitation? Would some of them be the same person as they are today?
If only time did not move so fast, and if only I was not as stupid as I am. Am I not the one who at fault for the situations that I am facing and the watery liquid in my eyes? I am.
It feels cold, deep down inside. Yet, I doubt that I will talk about such things to anyone any time soon. Why is it so difficult for me to express my feelings, and to talk about events that has transpired when the time truly calls for it? Why would I rather let such chances slip by?
I used to be just a sad little emo, and I changed, no, I did not change, I just covered up all my insecurity with my ego; "Let it inflate!!" was what I said. Oh, foolishness. Now that bricks had been through at the glass wall that I'd built, my ego's slowly deflating and I'm starting to become less reluctant to talk when the moment comes. I'm envious and jealous of optimistic people, those who are always smiling even when ordeals call their name and never let hatred consume them and led them astray. To be able to embrace everything that they love with their arms.
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