was driving home from steamboat night with family just now and heard Somewhere I Belong from Linkin Park just now. It got me thinking, and I realizes that after years, (at least 19 years tbh), I finally know how it's like to feel like i belong somewhere. After I started crossplaying, there's obviously backlashes, and I distanced myself with even my good relatives, the ones I went to steamboat with just now. Some of the sharper ones probably noticed I'm more reserved compared to before, but I'm surprised I'm still accepted knowing that they are not the type who can accept these things, though then again, other than my dad, my mom is okay with the LBGTs and so I won't doubt the possibilities that my relatives are entirely cool with it too. Not to mention my aunt is also divorced with kids. Me and her daughter are somewhat mirrored. Kinda envy her now that I think about it. XP


and it got me thinking, so why am I so insistent on crossplaying? it's not out of rebellion, it's not out of a "daddy notice me please complex," which i know I have, cause I know deep down it hurts when I tell myself "you should make peace with the fact your father will never say he's proud of you." and also that I hate Mordred from Fate.


so I guess, well, divorced family, dad always away in KL trying to make a living and put food on the table, I was around female figures majority of the time. and I'd the result of constant reminders "how pretty, it's a pity(rhyme intended) you're not a girl" when I was still a kid. Also how there's a peroid of time where I'm disgusted with adult 'men' who cheats on their wives and kids, going out with prostitutes and whats not. Mom's brainwashing, can't help it, I was a kid, but ohh ho ho the irony is that my mom's the one cheating here. life is harsh.

I'd made loads of mistake as a kid, as a teen, even now as a young adult. While I preach to others not to hate themselves, I still can't find the strength in myself to stop hating myself, to not be too harsh on myself. I'm jealous, when I see people who can just smile it off as if it's nothing and have people who are softer to them. I never got to experience a soft approach, it's always the cold, harsh truth. As a simple minded kid, obviously I saw it as "girls always have it better, people side with them."


"it's an advantage to have" i thought, during times where i was power hungry as fuck, driven by revenge more so than the will to live.

it eats into you, with those kind of thoughts and how grownups said I would look pretty as a girl, adding in all the mistakes i reflected on myself. I moved from "if only i wasn't born, if only i didn't existed. this world would had been better," to "if I was born a girl, i'd not had wasted my grandparents money on so much toys(oh boy am i wrong seeing girls nowadays XP), and I would had been gentler and kinder, I could had helped with housechores instead of being a spoiled male princess. (Thanks grandmom for not teaching me, but i myself am partly to blame for not picking it up myself).

the ideal image of myself is a female me. thats how I kept seeing myself. though, arguably, i also see Emiya Shirou as an icon i admire. Not just cause he's gar and all that. in a way i guess i'm like these characters, he and Kuro. Giving up ourselves, as long as others are happy. Like I mentioned, I forced myself to accept my new born brother, and a new mother. (obviously my biological mom was in the wrong, but it's easier said than done to just accept a new family.)


of course, i'm glad it didn't last long to become real acceptance, and that's all that matters. and as I'd grown, I also know that "lol flipping genders doesn't solve any issues." and the harsh approach is faster. You learn. everyone makes mistakes, Sometimes, it CAN be too late, fuck all those who say it's "NEVER" too late.

when you're looking at a gravestone, it's too late. Green Day's 21 Gun always hit me with it's lyrics. "Like a liar looking for forgiveness, from a stone."
of course, it's not too late, in the sense you can start anew, amend what you amend, reconcile with those who are still here. try to make everything work again and get back your life into your own hands. without blaming others for the uncontrollable variables.

maybe I was thinking too much when I kept my distance from my relatives just because I made the decision to be selfish and insisted to continue crossplaying(because not only cause I want to cosplay, but I genuinely like to crossdress. I'm not going to deny the truth or myself. I enjoy wearing female wear and passing as a girl. though i'm also at peace with the fact i'm biologically male. sure, I can save up for surgery but I see no point in that).

Lately i'd been detached with my family too. for quite a long time. and I figured something else out. That, you know, just cause you're family doesn't mean you have to really understand each other that you can complete each others sentences. it doesn't have to be. NObody's got the time to dig into someone's head unless it's a job. I'm lucky enough my current family unit love each other, there's arguments, and there's misunderstandings and troubles. but that's totally normal. Sure my grandmother sometimes stand on my biological mom side, (idk what to say about my grandmom's ikut angin bendera attitude), and my biological mom wants to sabotage my current family(specifically my current mother and father), but we do have our peace and normal family lives back.