Barbra Streisand - The Way We Were

A friend once sent me this song before, when I finally started changing my outlook on friendship and people. People change, people grow. Some groups drift apart even when they are together, some group while far apart, are closer then families. Nothing lasts forever, not even friendship, love and bloodlines, they say that's why flowers are beautiful.

When the going gets tough, do we remember the smiles we had together or the fights we had? The punches that we foolishly threw at each other, hurting each other, making each other cry, were they worth our smiles in the end? Is that why we drift apart? In japanese shows, it seems the theme of "real friends are those who fight each other" is always recurring, how true does that ring in reality?

I suppose both sides are to be blamed for the lack of sympathy for each others. It has been years and it's still the same. Perhaps it's too late to mend the bonds, but oh we'd tried. What else could we do but to try?

We started as just two friends, grew into a bigger group, and some of us left. Some of us backstabbed each other. Some of us mocked each other and hated each others guts. We were such kids back then, huh? Sometimes I wish I could reverse time, the us right now, who are more matured than years ago. How different would our friendship had been?

Then again, perhaps if we weren't who we were at that time, we won't had became friends. Stupid encounters, foolish actions. Can time rewrite these memories into something better, or would we just remember these by-gone memories and smile at how ignorant and dumb we were? The tears we shed, the smiles and cheers we gave, oh there was a severe lack of hugs. Egos and stupidity we lacked none however.

They say life's simple, and we humans are the ones who make it complicated. Perhaps that's true no matter how much we want to deny it. Maybe it's wise to live the life of a monk, to be detached from earthly possessions. But shutting off windows and doors are not my style, not anymore anyway. it's hard to not get tsundere about things, but I manage.

It makes me wonder, if we were given the chance to do things all over again, would we? Could we? Would we had tried not to repeat the mistakes that we foolishly made? Sever bonds that were detrimental to us? Tried to make our friendship stronger?

I suppose it's too late to ask these questions, we were young back then. We thought lightly of severing bonds. Thought lightly of the future, thought likely of consequences and words. We neglected to understand that words can mend a broken heart, and words can break a heart.

Memento mori, we're merely humans. Some of us went through the darker path and some of us came back out of it. Our hearts would heal, given proper time but scars remains. Some take pride in it, and some let it weight themselves down. Power hungry fools we were, or maybe it was just me?

and if one day, we drift apart finally, when we remember each other, would it be the laughter that we would remember, whenever we remember the way we were?

Big Boss Part II

It feels so good having heard that my drawing skills have improved, I'd only experienced hate and distrust as long as I can remember. The only times I was encouraged was when I was a 5 years old kid. I get into fights with the only other artist in school (and I still refuse to call him one due to his abysmal lack of originality and creativity, plus he was popular for god knows why), I got shit on when another artist came into the picture and shamed me for inking my drawings and said “I haven’t learned to ink yet but I’d been learning to draw for years, how dare you?”

In form 6 the only form of feedback is “omg stop wasting time, bro” and when I entered university, nobody cared to comment more than “you need practice, bro.” It was frustrating, I hit a wall and I was encouraged to give up. I kinda did. Everyone just shitted on me, they weren’t even giving me constructive comments or criticisms, regardless of whether they were artists or not. I loathed everyone, nobody gave me anything useful. It was hard to improve, especially as someone who finds it hard to pinpoint the errors in his drawings.

I’d been meeting people both in drawing and photography who didn’t betray me, who didn’t shit on me just to feel superior, and they give me pointers. They point out the errors I couldn’t figure out myself and I’m actually improving. I’d always felt lonely, partially because no friends of mine are artists, even though some of them appreciates art a lot. There are so many things I wanted to say, so many to discuss, so much to learn, and I had to how everything on my own. Be my own photographer and be my own models, emphasis on the plural.

Sometimes it’s not just about the effort someone is willing to put into his work, crappy artwork doesn’t just stern from the guy not knowing his basics. Every once in a while I wonder what life would had been for me if I enrolled into ToA, I’ll most likely suffer there, equipped with only photoshopping and photography skills. What courses would I even pick? But perhaps at least then, I’d met more people who share the same ideals, same passions and the same hobbies. Perhaps my passion would not have died, perhaps I’d improved a lot more than now.

But the past is the past; I have no time to regret. Pressing on and continuing my journey is all I could do. With this post published, I’ll say good bye to my regrets, I’ll promise myself to not let the world get me down again, I should be holding onto the things I love, even if I’m told I suck hard at it. I’ll resist the temptation to get there just to prove my point to those idiots in high school; I’ll do it for myself. 

Big Boss

It’s been a while since I’d held a camera. To be honest, it felt like I was a retired soldier holding a gun again. I remember co-founding a photography club for my university and through thick and thin its existence fades into oblivion. All the bad memories resurfaced, of power struggles and jealousy. Sadder was I couldn’t remember the happy memories. 

For a while, I felt like I could understand how Naked Snake felt in MGS3. Those feelings he had for the FOXHOUND and the final stroke, the cloning of him. Even though given a title like Big Boss and being made into an idol does not heal the wounds suffered.

I’d given up on photography just like that, my camera even got to the point of being dusty. The Boss would have been disappointed in me. I stopped learning to master the settings, aperture, focal point, flash guns, shutter speed, skills. All those are like a silencer on a stealth mission, needless to say, I have been going through stealth rounds with naked camo and rank 1 RPGs. Barely making it through.

Then yesterday I attended my friend’s cosplay photoshoot event and was taking photos with my dslr. Truth be told I was getting bored but one of the photographers in the event approached me and told me not to use my Nikon’s flash, cause Nikons are fine unlike Canon. We broke out into a short but fast paced discussion about photography, the events above and Gundams and since then, I’d felt like, picking up a gun isn’t so bad anymore. There’s people around, who still has passion and love for their guns, guns that are used to protect, guns that are not abused.

I suppose I’ll follow Big Boss’s path but I will not salvage the remains of my MSF, it is long gone and I am no longer of FOXHOUND, no longer of the Patriots and no longer of MSF. I together with a few others have created our own Outer Haven. Now, I’d once again gathered up enough courage and strength to pick up a camera and relearn everything again.

“From now on call me, Big Boss.”