was driving home from steamboat night with family just now and heard Somewhere I Belong from Linkin Park just now. It got me thinking, and I realizes that after years, (at least 19 years tbh), I finally know how it's like to feel like i belong somewhere. After I started crossplaying, there's obviously backlashes, and I distanced myself with even my good relatives, the ones I went to steamboat with just now. Some of the sharper ones probably noticed I'm more reserved compared to before, but I'm surprised I'm still accepted knowing that they are not the type who can accept these things, though then again, other than my dad, my mom is okay with the LBGTs and so I won't doubt the possibilities that my relatives are entirely cool with it too. Not to mention my aunt is also divorced with kids. Me and her daughter are somewhat mirrored. Kinda envy her now that I think about it. XP


and it got me thinking, so why am I so insistent on crossplaying? it's not out of rebellion, it's not out of a "daddy notice me please complex," which i know I have, cause I know deep down it hurts when I tell myself "you should make peace with the fact your father will never say he's proud of you." and also that I hate Mordred from Fate.


so I guess, well, divorced family, dad always away in KL trying to make a living and put food on the table, I was around female figures majority of the time. and I'd the result of constant reminders "how pretty, it's a pity(rhyme intended) you're not a girl" when I was still a kid. Also how there's a peroid of time where I'm disgusted with adult 'men' who cheats on their wives and kids, going out with prostitutes and whats not. Mom's brainwashing, can't help it, I was a kid, but ohh ho ho the irony is that my mom's the one cheating here. life is harsh.

I'd made loads of mistake as a kid, as a teen, even now as a young adult. While I preach to others not to hate themselves, I still can't find the strength in myself to stop hating myself, to not be too harsh on myself. I'm jealous, when I see people who can just smile it off as if it's nothing and have people who are softer to them. I never got to experience a soft approach, it's always the cold, harsh truth. As a simple minded kid, obviously I saw it as "girls always have it better, people side with them."


"it's an advantage to have" i thought, during times where i was power hungry as fuck, driven by revenge more so than the will to live.

it eats into you, with those kind of thoughts and how grownups said I would look pretty as a girl, adding in all the mistakes i reflected on myself. I moved from "if only i wasn't born, if only i didn't existed. this world would had been better," to "if I was born a girl, i'd not had wasted my grandparents money on so much toys(oh boy am i wrong seeing girls nowadays XP), and I would had been gentler and kinder, I could had helped with housechores instead of being a spoiled male princess. (Thanks grandmom for not teaching me, but i myself am partly to blame for not picking it up myself).

the ideal image of myself is a female me. thats how I kept seeing myself. though, arguably, i also see Emiya Shirou as an icon i admire. Not just cause he's gar and all that. in a way i guess i'm like these characters, he and Kuro. Giving up ourselves, as long as others are happy. Like I mentioned, I forced myself to accept my new born brother, and a new mother. (obviously my biological mom was in the wrong, but it's easier said than done to just accept a new family.)


of course, i'm glad it didn't last long to become real acceptance, and that's all that matters. and as I'd grown, I also know that "lol flipping genders doesn't solve any issues." and the harsh approach is faster. You learn. everyone makes mistakes, Sometimes, it CAN be too late, fuck all those who say it's "NEVER" too late.

when you're looking at a gravestone, it's too late. Green Day's 21 Gun always hit me with it's lyrics. "Like a liar looking for forgiveness, from a stone."
of course, it's not too late, in the sense you can start anew, amend what you amend, reconcile with those who are still here. try to make everything work again and get back your life into your own hands. without blaming others for the uncontrollable variables.

maybe I was thinking too much when I kept my distance from my relatives just because I made the decision to be selfish and insisted to continue crossplaying(because not only cause I want to cosplay, but I genuinely like to crossdress. I'm not going to deny the truth or myself. I enjoy wearing female wear and passing as a girl. though i'm also at peace with the fact i'm biologically male. sure, I can save up for surgery but I see no point in that).

Lately i'd been detached with my family too. for quite a long time. and I figured something else out. That, you know, just cause you're family doesn't mean you have to really understand each other that you can complete each others sentences. it doesn't have to be. NObody's got the time to dig into someone's head unless it's a job. I'm lucky enough my current family unit love each other, there's arguments, and there's misunderstandings and troubles. but that's totally normal. Sure my grandmother sometimes stand on my biological mom side, (idk what to say about my grandmom's ikut angin bendera attitude), and my biological mom wants to sabotage my current family(specifically my current mother and father), but we do have our peace and normal family lives back.

Barbra Streisand - The Way We Were

A friend once sent me this song before, when I finally started changing my outlook on friendship and people. People change, people grow. Some groups drift apart even when they are together, some group while far apart, are closer then families. Nothing lasts forever, not even friendship, love and bloodlines, they say that's why flowers are beautiful.

When the going gets tough, do we remember the smiles we had together or the fights we had? The punches that we foolishly threw at each other, hurting each other, making each other cry, were they worth our smiles in the end? Is that why we drift apart? In japanese shows, it seems the theme of "real friends are those who fight each other" is always recurring, how true does that ring in reality?

I suppose both sides are to be blamed for the lack of sympathy for each others. It has been years and it's still the same. Perhaps it's too late to mend the bonds, but oh we'd tried. What else could we do but to try?

We started as just two friends, grew into a bigger group, and some of us left. Some of us backstabbed each other. Some of us mocked each other and hated each others guts. We were such kids back then, huh? Sometimes I wish I could reverse time, the us right now, who are more matured than years ago. How different would our friendship had been?

Then again, perhaps if we weren't who we were at that time, we won't had became friends. Stupid encounters, foolish actions. Can time rewrite these memories into something better, or would we just remember these by-gone memories and smile at how ignorant and dumb we were? The tears we shed, the smiles and cheers we gave, oh there was a severe lack of hugs. Egos and stupidity we lacked none however.

They say life's simple, and we humans are the ones who make it complicated. Perhaps that's true no matter how much we want to deny it. Maybe it's wise to live the life of a monk, to be detached from earthly possessions. But shutting off windows and doors are not my style, not anymore anyway. it's hard to not get tsundere about things, but I manage.

It makes me wonder, if we were given the chance to do things all over again, would we? Could we? Would we had tried not to repeat the mistakes that we foolishly made? Sever bonds that were detrimental to us? Tried to make our friendship stronger?

I suppose it's too late to ask these questions, we were young back then. We thought lightly of severing bonds. Thought lightly of the future, thought likely of consequences and words. We neglected to understand that words can mend a broken heart, and words can break a heart.

Memento mori, we're merely humans. Some of us went through the darker path and some of us came back out of it. Our hearts would heal, given proper time but scars remains. Some take pride in it, and some let it weight themselves down. Power hungry fools we were, or maybe it was just me?

and if one day, we drift apart finally, when we remember each other, would it be the laughter that we would remember, whenever we remember the way we were?

Big Boss Part II

It feels so good having heard that my drawing skills have improved, I'd only experienced hate and distrust as long as I can remember. The only times I was encouraged was when I was a 5 years old kid. I get into fights with the only other artist in school (and I still refuse to call him one due to his abysmal lack of originality and creativity, plus he was popular for god knows why), I got shit on when another artist came into the picture and shamed me for inking my drawings and said “I haven’t learned to ink yet but I’d been learning to draw for years, how dare you?”

In form 6 the only form of feedback is “omg stop wasting time, bro” and when I entered university, nobody cared to comment more than “you need practice, bro.” It was frustrating, I hit a wall and I was encouraged to give up. I kinda did. Everyone just shitted on me, they weren’t even giving me constructive comments or criticisms, regardless of whether they were artists or not. I loathed everyone, nobody gave me anything useful. It was hard to improve, especially as someone who finds it hard to pinpoint the errors in his drawings.

I’d been meeting people both in drawing and photography who didn’t betray me, who didn’t shit on me just to feel superior, and they give me pointers. They point out the errors I couldn’t figure out myself and I’m actually improving. I’d always felt lonely, partially because no friends of mine are artists, even though some of them appreciates art a lot. There are so many things I wanted to say, so many to discuss, so much to learn, and I had to how everything on my own. Be my own photographer and be my own models, emphasis on the plural.

Sometimes it’s not just about the effort someone is willing to put into his work, crappy artwork doesn’t just stern from the guy not knowing his basics. Every once in a while I wonder what life would had been for me if I enrolled into ToA, I’ll most likely suffer there, equipped with only photoshopping and photography skills. What courses would I even pick? But perhaps at least then, I’d met more people who share the same ideals, same passions and the same hobbies. Perhaps my passion would not have died, perhaps I’d improved a lot more than now.

But the past is the past; I have no time to regret. Pressing on and continuing my journey is all I could do. With this post published, I’ll say good bye to my regrets, I’ll promise myself to not let the world get me down again, I should be holding onto the things I love, even if I’m told I suck hard at it. I’ll resist the temptation to get there just to prove my point to those idiots in high school; I’ll do it for myself. 

Big Boss

It’s been a while since I’d held a camera. To be honest, it felt like I was a retired soldier holding a gun again. I remember co-founding a photography club for my university and through thick and thin its existence fades into oblivion. All the bad memories resurfaced, of power struggles and jealousy. Sadder was I couldn’t remember the happy memories. 

For a while, I felt like I could understand how Naked Snake felt in MGS3. Those feelings he had for the FOXHOUND and the final stroke, the cloning of him. Even though given a title like Big Boss and being made into an idol does not heal the wounds suffered.

I’d given up on photography just like that, my camera even got to the point of being dusty. The Boss would have been disappointed in me. I stopped learning to master the settings, aperture, focal point, flash guns, shutter speed, skills. All those are like a silencer on a stealth mission, needless to say, I have been going through stealth rounds with naked camo and rank 1 RPGs. Barely making it through.

Then yesterday I attended my friend’s cosplay photoshoot event and was taking photos with my dslr. Truth be told I was getting bored but one of the photographers in the event approached me and told me not to use my Nikon’s flash, cause Nikons are fine unlike Canon. We broke out into a short but fast paced discussion about photography, the events above and Gundams and since then, I’d felt like, picking up a gun isn’t so bad anymore. There’s people around, who still has passion and love for their guns, guns that are used to protect, guns that are not abused.

I suppose I’ll follow Big Boss’s path but I will not salvage the remains of my MSF, it is long gone and I am no longer of FOXHOUND, no longer of the Patriots and no longer of MSF. I together with a few others have created our own Outer Haven. Now, I’d once again gathered up enough courage and strength to pick up a camera and relearn everything again.

“From now on call me, Big Boss.”

Kyle's CF 2013 Experience

Comic Fiesta was fun, it wasn't the best thing ever, but I learned how a convention felt and looked like. Honestly there were a lot of room for improvements, but I don't really care about the vent itself anyways. I liked the exposure, I liked the fact that I learned to use the commuter and the monorail at the time of need, without getting lost somewhere.

On the first day I had to stalk cosplayers across stations and through KLCC to reach the convention hall, I never felt so much like a stalker in my life, especially with a dslr dangling on my neck as I try to keep up with the cosplayers walking around. I reached the convention hall without being noticed and then I saw the gigantic queue, oh god. What now? I missed half of my friend's performance. Somehow I made it in after though, it was a hellish day. I wa searching for friends and got lost almost every single time we reunited. I didn't felt like I was having fun at all. I didn't but anything while all my friends got stuff that they wanted. Out of frustration I bought WS cards, extra packs for Haruhi and EVA. Not sure was it worth it, definitely not worth it considering the amount of Haruhis I have in the Haruhi pack. WHY NAGOTO?! I wanted my Haruhi!!! QAQ

Although day two was a lot better. I started the day alone, looking for artworks, commisioned works and merchandises made by local artists. A poring badge and some kamen rider badges interested me, but nothing else interested me. I really wanted the keyblade I saw that day but it was..., not as accurate as I hoped for. Decided to skip it. Got more art pieces instead. Some of which were stunning. Seeing the artists draw and commission work on the spot definitely inspired me to improve myself.

Day 2 was also the day that I managed to snap more photos of cosplayers, the really good ones and the not so good ones.  Was disappointed with the amount of Fullmetal Alchemist cosplay though, in general there were not a lot of older animes cosplayers. We see rare things like some Final Fantasy Hero of Light cosplayers  and some other old school or new stuff I don't recognize, but there's not much oldschool stuff. Even the artwork sessions had mostly Shingeki no Kyoujin stuff.

I chat with some of the cosplayers I took photos of. Some I just asked for a photo and thanked them, or complimented them. In particular I spoke to an Edward Elric and a Wizard from Ragnarok Online(the first RO, not the abomination called RO2). They were quite friendly, Edward told us how he made his auto-mail and we told him that we managed to find another FMA cosplayer insie the hall, an Olivia Armstrong cosplayer, we told him he could still rush in and find her. The wizard told us that he saw another wizard today, one without a staff, and that there was a swordie last year. We exchanged opinions a bit on RO and the status of oldschool stuff in CF and then shook hands. Managed to ge him to pose for two shots but only one came out good.

I also didn't look for artwork on the first day, so all the good stuff were pretty much sold nect time I should make hunting for artwork first priority, on day one. But this time it couldn't be helped. I had an objective to fulfill on day one.

I can still remember everything like it was just yesterday, the hype hasn't died down. I remember how I ride the commuter and the monorail to KLCC and had to stalk people to reach the convention hall before I see more cosplayers.

I remember how I ran across the halls like it was just yesterday, actually, I remember everything like it was just yesterday, even though days has passed since day 2 of CF.

There's 3 important things I painfully learned in CF though.

First, it doesn't matter whether you're a cosplayer, attending CF for the first time, a photographer, a performer, an artist or just visiting it for the hell of it. You will only have fun if you are with companions with you. No exception to the rules even if you are cosplaying or performing.

Second, if you want to buy art pieces, go hunt on the first day, if you want commissions, get reference pictures for them. Know what you want and bring at least an A3 block or file with you so you can keep the art pieces without damaging them(Yup, painfully learned, my friends.).

Third, it's more fun to chat with the cosplayers than to take photos of them and then walk off after saying thanks.

My World!

One of the best things to come out of the Gundam AGE series. I think this is on the top 5 of my list for Gundam songs.

Leaning on a wall one night, seems like i've been thinking hard about myself
The destination i've chosen is here, is it alright?I no longer understand
But, I don't have the answer right now, Where things stood differently
Always facing down, I look up for a while and feel the warmth of the morning

I am me because I am here
What is the thing that I lost that I can't go on?
It is cruelly painful when I can't get the answer easily
Don't worry about that one miss shot
If I can move on, I will love it, right?
My World

Why did I let go of the things I cherished?
'it can't be all that there is', I'll get it again
Give a name, 'Dream' or 'Love' to this invisible thing
If I can call it like that, I'll feel proud a bit
Ah, but, the truth is, it's not like that

I am me because I am here
These words will get forgotten sometimes
It is cruelly painful not to get the answer easily
At most, let's face forward without slowing down
I'll find the thing I am searching for
In this World

Scattered about or thrown away
Even if all are destroyed, I thought it's alright
but, I was wrong
after experiencing sadness, I will live changed into someone kind
It is slow, but I'll learn to like the world
therefore..

I am me because I am here
Being myself, I'm searching for something
Eliminating all my vulnerabilities, the heat is painful
But, just for once, not blaming myself so hard
If I can move on, I'd come to love My World

If I walk further ahead, the light is there

My Story

27/8/2013

My darker side is always stronger than me.

No matter how kind this heart of mine used to be, it has now been tainted by darkness and I will never become pure once again. Indeed, I’d lost that chance a long time ago, when I’d sacrificed everything in order to be ‘matured’ and ‘as cruel as everything else in this world.’ A foolish choice, but a choice I’d made and have to live with anyways. I can’t change the past, no matter how unpleasant and no matter how much better are other people’s pasts are. What I have are these choices that I’d made over the years. I have lost many, I have gained enough, I have experienced, I have learned, I have helped others and I have sinned, I have cried and I have smiled. All of the things, both good and bad have made me who I am today. I may not be proud of some of my decisions, but I’m at least contempt that I’m who I am right now.

But there are times, when I lose control of my darker side. Times I wish I could change, times I cannot forget. It is true that there’s always a balance, and finding a balance between your dark self and yourself would be ultimately more beneficial than neglecting one side. But it still scares me sometimes, my darker side is always in wait, waiting to consume, destroy and leave only ruins in its path. I don’t want that to ever happen again. But it just feels exactly like it’s consuming me, slowly draining my strength and destroy me when I’m at my most vulnerable.

Even worse is that I know there is nothing that I can do beside to continuous fight back, relentlessly, keeping hope alive till the very last breathe, until if someone would reach in through this everlasting cold, cruel darkness.

Everyone has a story of their struggles, well, I guess this is part of mine. 

As If the darkness's slowly consuming my heart.